There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
The weekend went by pretty quietly. Saturday was our 10th AKAversary and we celebrated all day. It was really great to see how many folks came through. And what a realization of a dream that was for me. To one day look down a table of young ladies and realize that a legacy has begun... a legacy we began. It was great. I was furiously lonely all day though... and feeling lonely in a crowd is the absolute worst for me. So I separated myself back to the confines of my room and played out my lonliness there. Went to sleep early, got together with Domi for brunch and then waited till my baby was able to come and spend some time with me. He came through and we quietly and excitedly looked through houses together online.
We looked for our first home.
I've never done that with a man before. Never had I thought about it and felt comfortable. But sitting there, looking at the pictures of these houses and imagining me and my baby getting old in one of those houses... Staring at the pictures of front porches and seeing my babies running up the walkway in their uniforms from school... wondering how safe i'd feel for them to live in any of those places knowing that they'd be walking those streets. Seeing myself putting the finishing touches on dinner while Isabella and Elias fix the table (do more playing than fixing)... and Earl watches tv... Winter nights when Earl and I and the kids are under a comforter watching a movie... Bright Saturday mornings when Elias slides down the banister and Isabella runs in her stocking feet to the breakfast table while Earl reads his paper... Sitting at the kitchen table with Eli doing his homework while Isabella is properly situated at her desk upstairs doing the same with Earl teaching her her times tables. Watching Isabella come down the stairs in her pretty gown for her prom... while Earl grills the young man at the door. Elias gets into an Ivy League college and pledges Kappa and Earl couldn't be prouder. All these memories of the future as we stared together at the screen. I've long denied myself the luxury of dreaming so deeply. But I think I can allow it to happen now, and not be scared that I'm not worth it. I am.
