There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I'm beginning to think that when I'm in a state of ruin or hurt, I really don't see anything else around me too clearly. That somehow, I endup alienating or picking fights with the folks around me. That would be one hell of an admission to make, being that I'm outing myself as having been a bitch for the last couple of days. But I'm not saying that my bitchiness was unwarranted. It was this snowball of emotions that started with one small occurrence and randomly, certain folks kept adding on top of it to make it worse. When I couldn't handle it anymore, I rolled it down the street and let it crush anyone who was in it's path.
I think I picked a fight with my baby last night, but I don't think that I had no reason to be upset. Disappointment was definitely in order. But I may have handled it badly. But as hurt as I had been feeling for days at the mercy of others, I didn't know how else to handle pain than to just lock myself up in my tower and cry myself to sleep. I pushed everyone away, because I couldn't stand to have anyone be close anymore. At least, not for the night. The only person I didn't release the snark on was Max. She hung out with me yesterday despite anything. And even though yesterday was my opportunity to take her out on the town and spoil her, she made the day safe for me. I was with a friend I could trust not to hurt me. And she was fantastic. She stayed with me through to the bitter end, even though she was tired and her feet hurt and the bags were heavy. Thanks Max. :-D
I just got off the phone with my baby. He's such a rational guy. We worked it out. I started off by saying "I'm sorry...." and he took the reigns from there. Explaining what happened and where we went wrong and why we're both due for an apology and how we can keep from being in that situation again. He's really good. :) I've never been in a relationship like this before. *sigh*
Although I didn't mention it appropriately on the day that it mattered... I do have so much to be thankful for. A loving family, true friends, a sincere love... blessings abound. I'm of sound mind (most of the time) and sound body (some of the time) - gainfully employed, moderately talented, wildly resourceful. I love this world, even though it doesn't love me back... and I try to take care of as many folks on it as I can get a handle on. I don't do it for anything in return, except for maybe the karma of someone turning to help when I'm in need. It's hard to feed something or someone your love and not get anything back. But it is the nature of this beast. Looking for treasures gets u hurt.
