There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Strangely enough in my recent status, I'm in my seriously anti-marriage / anti-married people state. Married folks confuse me. I was saying to Blink today that I don't have one couple that I can seriously call my exemplary couple. Everyone that was exemplary to me at once ended up separating or I found out they were lying about being so happy. Seems to me that every single last one of the married people I know are down right miserable. And I sit and think to myself, what would be the thing that drives me and my baby to hate each other on a regular basis? What would be that one aching sore that would constantly pus and burst from the slightest look or illtoned word. Maybe I already know what it is. Maybe it's already festering and boiling...
B suggested that maybe my parents are my guide. But my worst nightmare is to end up like my mom. In a transient love... where he's great one day and for 3 or 4 months he cares for friends more. Where he'll take some other woman's kids out to the park while our kids fester in a locked up apartment while I work 2 jobs to support everyone. Where he makes me wait on him hand and foot, but shoves me aside to take care of his own needs before mine. To be repulsed by him so much that I spend mornings pinching and hitting him because i despise him so much. To wear a wedding band on my finger that I had to buy because he was too cheap to EVER buy one for me and never bothered to rectify that even when it CRACKED IN HALF AND CUT MY FINGER EVERY DAY. Who enslaves me for 35 years to never have friends around me because it made HIM feel insecure. Who ruined my son's self esteem by never uplifting him and made my daughter feel like he was never approachable enough to include in her daily life. Who made me wonder what i did so wrong that I deserved THIS for my life.
No... that's not my model. There must be something better waiting down the road for me and my baby. I have to MAKE it so.
