There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
This weekend was a beginning of a serious process of including all three of the above. Reassessing what is happening in my life that I like, don't like, need to include or exclude etc. Reinvent my definitions of those things and how I approach them and then Rejuvenate my efforts at getting things done in their name. There are a few definite regions in my life that I have to look at. Work. Home Life. Love Life. Spiritual Life. I just have to list out what is happening. Tonight I'm going to list out what is wrong and questions I have... tomorrow I'll lay out plans of action.
Work: I need to feel like there is some forward progression there, but where am I progressing to? There's no where else to go in that department with my skills. I'd have to learn to be more Marketing and Promotions driven if I wanted a position like my direct supervisor, but I want to do something technical. It's my thought process now. To be taken away from the tech. industry would mean the shrugging of many years of self taught tech. savvy. But do I want to go more design than tech? More marketing than design? Do I want to leave the webspace altogether? or become more specialized in it. What is in it for me to become more and better?
Home Life I've gotten over the hump about being at home at this age. I know why I'm here and how I got here. But nothing said that staying at home meant having to stay in this apt. So what's stopping me from getting a home? My credit report. My resources (monetary). Assistance (lack of finances of those around me). Is a home the only solution? I can make this area that we live in, more bearable by taking out a few weekends and really cleaning, while I get my act together monetarily to secure some kind of living arrangement that involves us owning what we pay for.
Love Life I really never see my baby anymore for extended periods of time and when we do, intimacy is limited if not non-existent. What happened? Has it always been this way? No. We used to make a lot of time for each other and the intimacy was reciprocated on both parts. What event may have made it so that we are now just... distant friends that occasionally have some kind of intimate interaction. How have my actions made it so that he's distant? Is there something that I may be doing (or not doing) that is turning him off or making it difficult for him to want to spend time with me? How much validation do I need from him in order to feel comfortable about our relationship? Do I see this lasting a lifetime without feeling compromisded? Do I want to work at it? Does he? Is my fear of the "single" life keeping me complacent. Knowing what i know about married life and my ability to have kids... do i have anything to lose?
Spiritual Life I KNOW God is there. I know He is attempting to guide my steps. Why do I resist? Am I making up my own definition of a God that fits into the life I lead without making me feel guilty? Why am I not seeking religious affiliation? What DO I believe in and where are those beliefs tied directly into the presence of the Lord? Have I been hearing a calling and have been ignoring it because I'd like to remain frivolous and believe that there is no repercussion? Am I afraid of being institutionalized like many other friends and colleagues I see who seem to be "brainwashed" by having been "saved"?
I'll ponder these things as I sleep. Now is a good time to reassess. My life is starting to go down previously trodden roads and I already know where they end up, and it's NOT to my benefit. Precious years have been lost in the pursuit of these paths and I'm wise enough to know better now.
With that... I'll hit the sack. Must be fresh to cast my vote tomorrow.
