There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Every now and again,
I need to verify if i'm still alive
and the parts still work independantly of this
perpetual auto pilot mode that
I've placed myself in.
Most effective barometer of
all sensation is pain
and easiest to access...
so even when nothing is wrong
the desire to experiment is ever present
I wonder if this will hurt like it did in the past.
If i isolate my esteem in this deprivation tank
how long might it take me to
hallucinate about what i think is happening
and will the process of reconvincing myself to "reality"
ultimately drive me insane
waking from this nightmare
strapped into restraints and
straddling the wall of reason
laying prone to fate
with circumstance prepping in line.
But i chose to test my threshold
when nothing else was wrong
