There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
This week has been so crazy for me. I feel like I didn't live through it all the way ... sounds strange I know. I feel like I've been hanging in a camera above my own body and watching what I go through... but not actually going through it myself. This engagement is still so surreal to me. We finally got the ring resized so it's on the correct finger... and I've just been staring at it. I flash back to the days when I was just a kid... 12 or 13... and I went into my mom's room when she was out at work... and i tried on her wedding dress and put on her wedding band (which I found out later that she bought for herself cause my dad never did). And just standing there looking at myself and imagining myself years from then... one day... getting married. Funny I went to school the following monday and heard the stigma attached to doing ALL that I did and one girl in particular taking glee in the declaration that "VICTORIA'S NEVER GONNA GET MARRIED!!!!!" And I just stood there feeling horrified. And every relationship... when it would fail... the horror of that day that I put my mom's wedding band on and wore it at the same time that I wore her wedding dress had doomed me to a life alone, would creep back in. So I just stare at it like.... Wow... really, seriously have one of my own on my hand. Bought especially for me... it wasn't someone else's ring who said no.... it wasn't a "promise ring" or a "place holder". This was the official joint. And it's just for me... for being who I am.
I was thinking today, it's amazing what other ordinary folks can say to you that can change your whole day... or the way you look at situation. One of my LSs had someone say to her today "Look, just don't talk to me." A situation of 10 years laden with discomfort and betrayal ... where time should heal wounds... this one just got bigger and it just destroyed her for the day. Simple words... sometimes change everything you think about a situation. Someone wrote about me once...
"She was a splinter in my mind, darting in and out of my life leaving pieces of her light behind like glitter..."
and it just totally changed the way I looked at the day... at myself... at how i interact with others...how they affect me and ultimately... how I can affect them, without even knowing.
