There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Today, I have been properly reintroduced to and very reacquainted with the meaning of a bad day. It's been a long time since I had a REALLY bad one. But this one... is a chart topper. The kind that makes me want to go back to drinking and smoking heavily. The bad day really started last night. I went to sleep in a horrible mental frenzy (plus I had had one too many...and I'm not used to that anymore). So I went through a tortured night trying to sift through what was reality and what was conjured up in my own head. I find that I'm still doing that today in my fully awake state of mind and I'm not getting to too much clarity still. I woke up on the borderline of hangover / nauseous / sad and dragged myself (for the first time in weeks) through the morning routine. I caught a glimpse of myself on the way out of the door and I saw her again. She's back. Hair pulled back. Baggy jeans... teeshirt... sneakers. I rationalized it as needing to rush and be comfortable. It's only for today. I need to stick to that. Train ride was a blur... and I stumbled into the office and was met with conflict.
My manager got it into her head that suddenly I wasn't doing my job. Even though, up until this past event that we had, I was doing all my duties and then some. Abovev and beyond. But I guess what I did for the last event didn't reach the pinnacle and so I was reamed for it... and for once I snapped back, because I just wasn't in the mood. Then I went through the process of having to "relaunch" one of our websites for monday... straight busting my ass to get it done... ONLY TO BE TOLD IT WON'T LAUNCH FOR MONDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *sigh* I have been screaming at everyone today. I've had a constant headache. A constant tummy ache. And biting heartache for having to go through any of this today. I needed today to go smoother. And give me a break from the void. No such luck. When it rains it pours.
The only thing I'm looking forward to at all is getting to be with my baby tonight. He said he'd come rescue me from all the craziness. I hope he holds true. I could use a little Superman saving right now. I'm falling and fast.
