There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Sometimes life treats you a certain way because you elect to let it do so. Some decision that you make (or fail to) determines how you'll end up feeling at the end of the day. The decisions made (or not) today had me feeling like a bit of life's hoar... bent over and used up and treated any kind of way. But I elected to let it happen... so I almost felt like I deserved it because I invited it in by way of non-decision.
I got a phone call this morning from Cary which I can only describe as completely bizzare. He called me as if there was absolutely nothing wrong. Like we spoke yesterday and the day before and this was just a continuation of the call. The call came up "outside call" with no number so I assumed it was a listener. I picked up the phone and he said "Hello Victoria, how are you?" And I responded politely because I sincerely didn't know who it was. And I politely asked... who am I speaking with and he said "It's Cary," and no exaggeration, my jaw dropped. The rest of the conversation happened with me just completely taken aback that he was calling. He even hung up AND CALLED BACK (which I elected to do nothing about) so it happened. Just completely bizzare.
Then the folks where my dress is supposed to be coming in to was just jerking me around. I paid for the dress already so I guess they didn't feel the need to court me for my money... cause they already had it. (Seems to be the case in SO much in life). My dress was supposed to be there yesterday, it didn't come through till today, then it wasn't really the dress i originally ordered, but I think fear of not having a dress made me not really say anything (again... electing to do nothing). So they are altering the one I tried on to be more fitting to me. I hope it's just as nice... it's the same style, but the skirt didn't seem to poof as much... actually it doesn't poof at all. But I don't look like a stuffed pig in it so that speaks volumes to me. I'll make it work.
So just as I was on the train feeling pretty low today about my lack of abilty to really voice what is on my mind today (more than just the 2 experiences detailed above). When my phone rings... and I see the number, but don't recognize it. However, unlike my common practice, I elect to answer it. IT'S LOUISA!!!!!!!!!!!! Who is back from Iraq for 2 weeks! I had to get off the train so that I could properly display my joy. I screamed at the top of my lungs. Seriously, it was like talking to someone that had passed on. In my mind, I had to put her in the corner of my thoughts because God knows what was gonna happen while she was out there. But I prayed for her often and I tried to stay in touch as much as I could. But she's home for a few weeks and she's coming out to the stepshow on Saturday and even is extending her stay so that she can attend Cluster. Some AKAs that pledged "hard" could learn a serious lesson from her dediccation. That girl is my heart. She totally changed my day around! I'm really happy that she's home.
And of course, I elected to go voting today. It wasn't even a thought. I threw on my Vote or Die shirt (courtesy of P.Diddy) and I walked up in there... no lines... and did the do. I'm not going to make myself crazy by watching the "America Choses" shows that seem to be on every channel. I'm chillin out to some Ghostface Killah on MTV2 and I'm going to wake up to a new America tomorrow. An angrier one? A prepared one? I don't know. A different America.
