There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I haven't been posting lately. My mind has been preoccupied in items of fantasy that have eaten up all of my "real" time. But I believe that I'm back now. Problem with living in a dream, even if it's for a short time... there's a period of coming to terms with the fact that the reality you left is the truth and you have to kind of re-adjust to it. As unreal as whatever the fantasy was... the realness of the company i felt. The realness of the banter... i felt. The realness of my past life and who I was once...I felt: Funny. Pretty. Sassy. Entertaining. Loveable. Full of Potential in all arenas. Desirable. Needed. Being jolted to present day is sad. But that's life and it should be expected to be jolted every now and again when you allow yourself to stray from its fact. The reality is that I live life a little lonlier than I care to admit most of the time. Most of the thoughts in my mind would never make it onto this blog and maybe not even be whispered in the ears of confidants. In that, I find my mother's personality growing inside me and it's scary... because she's so alone and so isolated. I can't end up that way.
But my reality isn't all that bleak. I'm terribly dramatic sometimes. I have to come to terms with the idea that living my life in a little bubble is mostly my doing. And I have to be okay with that. The events in my life are not bad at all. Considering recent developments... I have a brand new horizons that I face. Who knows what awaits me in the great paths of life I'll choose. I will pick up my head and walk boldy towards it. It's the life I've prayed for in my darkest nights and it is finally here.
