There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
"Misfortune comes from one's mouth and ruins him, but fortune comes from one's mind and makes him worthy of respect." - Bhuddist Saying
I remember learning in psychology class in High School that there is a stage in growth and development as an infant when you experience the world through your mouth. Everything new goes in your mouth to understand it... it's texture, it's taste, whether it's good or whether it's bad... and you make your evaluation of it through the sensations in your mouth. As we grow and progress past this stage, we're able to experience the world through other medium like sight, touch, smells...etc. But some people stay caught in that one stage. Where they depend on their mouth to provide them the experience for their lives. Others get caught in a stage where they depend on OTHER people's mouths to validate the lives around them. Things that come out of other folks' mouths make the determination of what they are feeling, thinking, doing and reacting to the things around them.
I'm beginning to realize that I am fixated at this stage. The things that people say affect me way to much for me to ever be comfortable listening to everyone. Over the course of this VERY short week, I've taken on 5 new "bosses"; all who are convinced that they can tell me how to do my job and where they think I can improve. Which makes me insane. Funny thing is, only ONE of them is qualified to tell me how to improve. The rest of them are just Pedastal Picassos who if I sat them at the desk and told them to do it better, they'd wonder how to turn on the gotdayumed computer. Then I have acquaintances who feel like they can say just about anything to me. Which is fine. I always want people to feel like they can just speak their minds to me. It's the whole purpose to me being a friend at all. However, when the words that fly out of their mouths are indirectly pointed at me and cause injury...(whether intentional or accidental)...there is only so much of it I can handle before it's too much to bear. Everyone has sensitivities. I don't care HOW hard core you are. And a good friend.... a real friend knows where to tread with you... and understands that the breach of that should be under the most dire of circumstance. Others... don't understand that.
What's the remedy for me? Just stop being social? Quit my job? Move to bubblefuck and become a hermit? I can't do any of these things in all conscience. But the feeling just wells up and I feel like not being around anyone. Beyond my ego... my esteem has been vandalized in the last 3 days. *sigh* I gotta heal.
On the SUPER bright side, my two Line sisters: T and Vernie got engaged (not to each other!!!) between Last Thursday and last night!!! I'm so overjoyed! We are all officially card carrying (and carat carrying) members of the Karat Danglers Club! I'm excited. Who'd've thunk we'd all be in the same boat at the same time. Exciting!!!!!!
You know when I have to blog from work, it's only because my heart is too heavy to continue carrying through the day. But I do feel better fleshing out my thoughts here. I hope to be back later after subsequent mental whippings.
