There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I want you
I need you
But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad
Cause two out of three ain't bad
-Meatloaf
So my song would go slightly differently... like... I love you, I'll do anything for you... except.. well u know. At least... never when you want or expect it... and never as frequently as you would like.
I'm feeling a serious void tonight. I tried to talk to Max about it but she was a little sloshed and really didn't have much to offer. I sat there and for the first time in a long time... i zoned out and the thought of it all being over soothed me for a moment. I know I'll lapse out of it. I'm probably moody from the chemicals. And nauseous from drinking the other night. But i'm terribly sad tonight. I avoided coming home for hours... i tried to find anything else to do so I wouldn't have to be here... so I could feel completely isolated. But here i am. i just delayed the lonliness. It was sitting here on my bed, waiting for me to come in.
For the last few weeks, I come home and stare at my buddy list and wonder where all the people are that I used to chat for hours with... in to the wee hours of the morning. Where are all those filler folks who made the day pass a little faster. Have I become so detached? I'm in a whole universe on my own. A mind full of things I'll never have...
I should be better in the morning. Things to do tomorrow to keep my mind busy...
