There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
There is a part of me... my Achilles' Heel... that is still affected by nasty assed rude stupid insensitive bullish assholes that we sometimes refer to as people. Folks who have NO regard whatsoever for your feelings or the feelings of people around them unless it's themselves. In the last 24 hours I've had an encounter with two such people and the level to which it has bothered me is like no other. I think tears actually welled up in my eyes.
Instance #1: I was "shooed" away by someone, complete with flicking of hand... go over there. I was perfectly comfortable where I was and I didn't think I was causing any trouble. I checked to see if I was especially rank or anything... and I wasn't. But... none the less, the shooing. All of this by someone I was thinking up to this point may have been a friend. But... maybe I'm thinking she's a friend the way I thought Tracey was a friend... when she politely informed me that she had NO such feelings about me. Thus, maybe the error of my ways to feel hurt at all. I shouldn't trust my feelings to be protected by such folks.
Instance #2: I'm sitting at work... in much pain. Now not only do I have the pain that originally encouraged me to go to the Dr... but now "the team is in town" so the added pain of that... I'm just in a daze today. Staring into my screen, trying to remain productive. kDot starts talking to me... and honestly... his voice is murmuring and I didn't hear what he said. I turned and was honest... "I'm sorry... I didn't catch anything you said... could you please repeat it for me?" So he spazes out, "No... no... that's fine." "C'mon, Keith..." I encourage. "No... I wasn't talking about anything..." he says. "GOTTDAMNIT WOULD YOU EFFIN REPEAT WHAT YOU SAID????!!!" I yelled and he responded:
"Stop yelling at me... you're gonna burst one of those things."
Needless to say, I don't have to share anymore personal happenings at work. Again... acting like maybe they should hold my feelings in some kind of regard as I do theirs. But eff them. I may need a thick skin about it... but I've only known about it for 2 days. God knows what else is coming down the pike... I just need time to get used to it. It's days like this where I want to seclude myself from the world... and thusly, in my mind, exclude myself from the opportunities for hurt.
But the seclusion, in and of itself, would hurt me too much.
