There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
This morning I woke up and my room was chilled to perfection (I love the cold). I was especially warm and toasty under my warm comforters and the loveliest light had entered the room. I laid there rested and wondered if I had over slept... 8:44 the clock said... Hmmmm... So I checked my watch face. 9:44! Daylight savings time! An "extra" hour of sleep has been gifted! How glorious the fall and winter are! So I laid there in bed for a few minutes before I got up and did an exercise that I read about in one of my many self empowerement books once. And upon completion, I wrote this verse:
This morning I laid in bed upon awaking
And I took the time to pay attention to me.
I touched my body and felt it through your hands
and the most amazing realizations came to mind...
My skin is very soft and warm;
My hair is fine and smooth... easy to touch and sensual;
My arms are long and loving;
My bosom is ample and inviting;
My torso is thick, but not obscene... there's so much to love;
My legs are infinite and strong;
My back is broad and nurturing.
I wondered what your hands love most...and
path yours would take.
I found then that
When I take the time to really appreciate me...
And not wait for someone else to do it,
I'm not the woman in the mirror constantly displeased
My body doesn't feel the size tacked on my clothes
It is a haven of love and sensuality
A treasure to any man's life.
How could you NOT want to touch me?
It's not terribly poetic or prophetic, but it's how I felt finally about my body which I spend so much time hating. But it's mine, damnit! And I have to love it. No matter who is paying it attention.
Seems like whatever cloud was looming over head has been lifted. I feel much better or at the very least I'm back to ignoring the heart of what has been bothering me. Either way, I woke up this morning feeling semi normal again.
Max and I went shopping yesterday afternoon for a gown to wear to Friday's formal (with my baby's chapter). Strangely enough I found my dress within a few stores. I went in there really knowing what I wanted and didnt' want, and luckily I found exactly the dress I wanted! I ordered it, found a perfect necklace and earring set to go with it across the street. I just have to find shoes. Here's the dress:
It's the style on the left, but the color on the right. I feel good about it. It was really pretty.
Time to shower and start this day. I'm claiming this day. It's gonna be great
