There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I was on IM today talking to one of my photographers. He was attempting to get some pictures to me from an event he shot last night. "Well, what are my options" (in getting the pictures to my office). And I said, "Do you know how to FTP?" and he said... "lol!... YES I DO! THANK YOU VERY MUCH." And I stopped and looked at the im string and immediately knew what he was thinking. I chuckled to myself and thought... 5 or 6 years ago... this would have gone down a seriously bad path. (Not bad as in bad but bad as in sex). But I glossed it over, submitted a benign "lol" and kept it moving. How distant from that kind of thinking I am. Well... distant from pushing any of the thought into action.
I do remember living to flirt. The anticipation of what the person's next move was. The hanging in between sentences. The electricity. Just the overall giddiness of the "new" feeling. Although definitely fleeting, it was always exciting. That brief almost-brush with it brought that to mind. It's interesting what kind of person I was then... I needed that constant affection and attention and admiration all the time. And now I look at folks like that from afar and wonder... "what are they really missing?"
I pray that my lack of desire to want to do all of those things doesn't make me boring. I hope that it's not because I'm no longer excited by life that I don't need to flirt with total stranger. I feel like I still need to keep life interesting... and fun. But the people around me are progressively less fun. Either because they're getting older and crickety... or getting married and have ties that no longer allow them to "hang" with me, for whatever reasons. Or some folks want to be too serious for my tastes. You only get one time. I'm trying to reshape what my one time means for me now if I truly won't have anyone to pass it to. I'm even wondering if I should bother getting married, since the whole purpose of that was to have children in wedlock.
I have so many questions that I have to answer now. Maybe I'll just be 25 perpetually... And the envy of all these married mommies. :)
