There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Your browser doesn't support the EMBED tag, but you can still listen to the music on this page by <a href="http://www.thoughtsdaughter.com/sounds/talk2me.mp3">clicking here.</a> Jill Scott Talk To Me
When I tell you that this week was NEEDED... I kid you not. I was so tense up until this point. But I'm so relaxed now and happier. I really cleaned and organized. My room is once again a safe haven for me to sit and think and just be. I'm happy about it. There's still a little work to be done, but it's really just a little and it will take a little dedication and elbow grease.
The week off has proven to be good for my health too. Since the week before my vacation, where I was mentally relaxed... I haven't had any heart palpitations or weird heart squeezing feelings. I'm very grateful for that, and at the same time I realize that the stress of my workplace is making it so that I am physically sicker all the time. I can't afford to lose my health for this. I have to counter, either by quitting (which isn't an option right now) or by stepping up my physical game. More on that later.
Jealousy The folks next door are moving. I'm jealous. They're on their way to Long Island. They've lived here as long as we have. But they're out first. I need to get it moving. I'll mostly miss seeing another black face besides my own. (The girl that lived next door, although latina, had this very tall chocolate man / husband / boyfriend (not sure) who always went out of his way to be nice to me.) I'll take all the ego boosts I can get. Hahahah!!!
Tripping Down Memory Lane As I was cleaning this past week, I found one of my first books. This is one I wrote in high school (I really missed my calling). It was called "Kisses on the Wind" where I wrote down the entire story of how I came about having my first boyfriend. It was pretty interesting to read. Of course it didnt' have any real writing structure or clear concise flow of words, but the idea was there. The innocense was there. The complete love of life was there. And I chuckled as I uncovered parts of that whole experience that I totally forgot. Like... our first date and how he wore a tank top and shorts LMAO!! or how prudish I felt when I wouldn't kiss him for the first time because I was totally unsure of myself. Or how I documented all of my traverses between West Top (where my locker was) to East Bottom (where his locker was). And I was feeling good... till this feeling swept over me... Suddenly I was just mad. Just surly and upset. I can't really put my finger on it yet. I put the book down and I didn't really feel like reading anymore and was actually upset that I found it at all. Maybe because I'm living now and know what happens a few months later. A few years later. When I discover that he broke up with me because he was gay. Pretty traumatizing for your first boyfriend. I thought I'd never get it right again. So far it looks like everyone else was straight (although a few of them may have been questionnable). But it always makes me sad to think that was the first path I had to go down. Maybe I was mad at my naivete in writing the book. Of course with the intention that he would read it and take me back (which is exactly what happened). Maybe I was mad that it was a lie. All of it. And I was the only one who couldn't see it for what it was.
50 First Dates This week I also watched this movie 50 First Dates finally when I was on my own on Thursday night. From all the previews and the hype they made it out to be this really funny kind of slapstick stupidity. But I have always ended up liking Adam Sandler's movies, so I bought it on Movies on Demand. And when I tell you that I had to fight some tears at the end. I had trouble getting to sleep because I was overwhelmed with emotion. It was really beautiful. The kind of love story that I adore hearing about. That love NEVER fails and love CONQUERS all and that LOVE is ETERNAL. I called my baby after to tell him I loved him. Just out of the blue after we had already said our good nights. I really just wanted to gush all over the phone to him about how lucky I am that I met him and how much different and better I am because of him. But I didn't want to alarm him beyond what he was already because I called at that late hour just to say "I love you". But I watched it again the next afternoon while he took a nap on my bed and breathed easily as I built my new bookshelf and my new file cabinet.
Jill
All week long I've been logged in and listening to the VIP Listening url for Jill as I anxiously awaited my pre ordered copy to arrive in the mail. Which I didn't remember I had mailed to the office until it was like... Wednesday. I contemplated going into the office to see if I could get it and come back. But much too much for me to do. I cursed the fact that I sent it to the office... until Thursday. When Jill made a stop at HOT97 for an interview. I BEGGED my co-workers to go in there and get my joint signed and they did!!!!!! :-D EVERYTHING for a reason. Every littel stupid seeming thing has a purpose. I didn't get to meet her, but yet and still I got a chance for my pre-ordered jammy to be a little more personalized by her!
God... that's a LOT Of thought!!! I'll come back with more. But the bottom line is... the Vacation was MUCH needed!!
