There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I haven't posted in a few. I've been busy clinging to life. Things have just been happening so quickly. I've been really trying to keep my head down and my nose to the grindstone when it comes to work. But seems like no matter what I do, there's no respite from the barage of crap that comes from above (my supervisors). But what can I do. Until I put into practice the ideas and thoughts that are embodied in that book: Rich Dad, Poor Dad... I am, for now, stuck in the "rat race". It's a shame.
I had such inspiration to write last night when I was getting home from work (at 9:00 PM). Let me preface by saying, I don't 'hate' many people... but I do hate Michael Baisden... to the core of my soul. And although I hate him, his topics on the air sometimes get other people to say some thought provoking stuff. Yesterday's topic was about why women love "bad boys" instead of nice stable guys. Interesting. And it's funny to look back on the situation from 30,000 feet, floating in the air above that kind of living. One woman said she found herself reminiscing about all the wonderful, stimulating, sexy and interesting things about her "bad boy" but never stopped for a moment to think about how horribly he treated her and how he made her feel less than important and how he damned near got her to tear her own hair out. I thought that was interesting. I remember ABHORING these men that had hurt me... and weeks later, just being fine with them. I found myself rationalizing to my friends and loved ones why these people were back in my life. And sooner than later, they made their true selves known again. Why I started to dislike them to begin with.
Recently I'm more in touch with the REALITY of what those relationships were... not so much the feelings of disdain or pain. But just that really... we weren't right for each other and they don't really deserve another nod in their direction because I've learned now that it's not healthy for ME. It's not that I can't feel the good memories from the fun stuff we'd do or the excitement from the unpredictability of it all. I can look back at that now reminiscent... not longing because I don't want for that anymore. But it's CLEAR to me why we're not together anymore. There's no reason to give it another go around to "make sure" because I'm SURE we'd fall into the same pitfalls as before, or even brand new ones that I just don't have the patience for anymore.
I used to lament and cry and write 40 page letters that I know were ignored. Images of grinding and gnashing of teeth come to mind. I used to really hurt. And so long as I can help it, I'm never going back. Funny because later on yesterday, my baby called me and asked "Do you think I'm too good of a guy?" I yelled at him for listening to the "Anti-Christ" as I refer to MB often. I can tell he'd been listening. My baby is one of the "nice guys" that was being referred to in the show. And he almost finished last because I was letting that part of myself talk that should NEVER navigate my life. But for once in my life I let God talk to me... and I really tried to listen and understand. Originally, I fought it, not really knowing what the outcome would be. Would I be hurt again? Would I end up alone? Had I made the wrong decision? What would become of my heart?
And the advice to love like you've never been hurt took hold. And I, today, can say with all assurance... that no matter how this turns out, I'll never regret that decision.
