There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
"We don't like ourselves sometimes," mom said today I she cut half of the jelly donut waiting for my dad when he came back. "More than sometimes," I replied. I really thought about what she said today. We hate ourselves sometimes, even. Downright don't care enough to treat ourselves with love and respect. To care for our own feelings before the feelings of others or to make peace with the past and just move on, instead of hanging back, lamenting and digging in old wounds. Self loathing is easy. Self Love is a process. Who else are you gonna have to be with for the rest of your life? None as long as homeboy / girl in the mirror. It's tough. I find myself looking at myself in the bathroom mirror before I jump in the shower sometimes... and for a half a second, I'm admiring myself. But I always leave the mirror by making some stupid face at myself or sticking my tongue out at my reflection. I guess we're taught from very young that vanity is a sin, but there's a fine line between loving yourself and vanity. I do love myself. At least enough to recognize the things that are bad for me - mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Now... to actually do anything about those things... different story... and I'll tackle them one at a time.
A nod to the comments left addressed by track 1 of my snazzy new radio.blog (see left). Words are important.
Date night was last night and it was my turn to come up with something to do. So we went to Madame Tussauds. It was an interesting experience. My baby is so observant. He didn't really get into it at all, but we tried to enjoy each other anyways. A few pics were taken.
Then we went to dinners at my favorite restaurant, Deborahs. It was nice being there with him again. Crazy that on a regular night, they play techno, trance and chill music, but when my baby and I are there, they play hip hop!! LMAO! I guess they're trying to cater to him... it's not me cause I don't care to hear it after I leave the office. It's too much for me. The waitress there was new and she commented on how serene and relaxed he and I were as compared to everyone else who comes in there "vibrating". Nice girl. She'll get used to me. I practically live there. The food is great... the prices are a little heavy... but I pay it because I like being surrounded by folks I know... who know my name and damned near know what I'm gonna order before I do. It's comforting to be recognized. THEN... (long date night, right?) we went to my ls nique's birthday shindig at this place called Pamela's Cantina. Very nice place. I'll be back there again. Would love to have my birthday party there, but Earl is being very something about it. He's doing the One Upsman thing again for my birthday which I don't mind... but I don't have a chance to do it in return for him. Which sucks cause then I feel like a bad girlfriend.
I slept soundly. Too much wine in my system for me not to. Thought about ccrm and his visit to the office yesterday. More images of gardens and the like. But it's a passing fancy. Something just to occupy my mind with. For now. I need to stay busy.
