There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I have to believe that He is. In His way, for me. I was at the Night of Healing tonight and I have so many mixed emotions about what was happening in there. One the one hand you have a room full of Black folk praising and loving the Lord and singing His name and dancing and rejoicing. And on the other hand... there was this feeling like... not all of it was quite as pure and wonderful as I'd like for it to be. The preachers were preaching things while the bling of their diamonds almost blinded me. I'm not saying, don't be rich... don't prosper. I am thinking... wow.. that's a little vain... no? Diamond dripped Jesus pieces... does that show that you love the Lord more? And display it better? Nothing really moved me tonight. I felt so immune to everything. Except one little girl they brought out. 8 years old. Has had 2 open heart surgery / repair operations. A living example of why folks should donate their organs. What did she have to say to the audience? : "I'm fine and I'm very excited to be here" There went the tears, just a flowin' from my eyes. I think that's the jist of it. Just be excited to be here. Despite all the hardships. Oh man. She was the reason I had to be there tonight. So I could hear her in all her youthful glory, exclaim how wonderful it was to be among the living. Same message I got from Six Feet Under this week. Despite all the bad stuff: "Infinite Possibilites" because I'm still in the land of the living. Feels good.
Caz contacted me yesterday while I was at work. Blast from the not so long ago past. It was interesting talking to him and learning more about myself. Seems that he's had a baby (this year - little boy) and his daughter is growing along. He's still with M (who he was with when he and I dealt with each other) which is good for them and the kids. And still a faithful follower of Ben Ammi. I guess some things never change. We were talking about Jill Scott (he and I IMmed all day) and he said "Let me see if you still know me, Vic. Which song on there do you think I like best?" I think I named ALL of them except for "Talk to Me" which is the jazziest of them all and of course, the one he chose. I wasn't even doing it intentionally... I sincerely didn't pick it because it never dawned on me. He was completely a renaissance of my creativity, musically and poetically. All of those 1999 poems were for him, about him, because of him. My tastes in music were renewed and refined thanks to his ear. I guess I was totally not tuned into him any more. And it actually didn't hurt. Talking to him all day on IM didn't phase me at all. And it is really nuts because I can distinctly remember a time when I though I was going to die from crying over him. But I didn't. I'm still here and I'm loving again, righteously. Infinite possibilites.
