There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I have been cheating. That's right. I'll come out and say it. I've been having a torrid passionate all encompassing affair. And it's thrilling. It's rejuvenated me and renewed my excitement in life and I'm not ashamed of it. I'm so proud of it I'm telling the world. I've been covert about it and scared to come forward, but I'm going to tell everyone....
I've been blogging on ChocolateBrides.com. I'm sorry Blogger... I love someone new ;)
LMAO!!!
I spent the entire day on Sunday reminiscing about my story with my baby and chasing down pictures of the timeline with us and rediscovering how I felt about us back then... and now. It felt good. I've kept it to myself for the most part and for the first time in a LONG time, I'm allowing myself to dream about our love and where it may grow to... like... marriage. And what kind of ring I want... or dress... or ceremony. And I'm not scared anymore. I know that it will happen. It's just a matter of time.
It was his birthday yesterday... but I didn't have anything planned and I felt like a horrible terrible person. I was so engulfed with trying to figure out what he was doing for me that I didn't take the time to plan something for him. I've been beating myself up mentally like... I'm a really bad girlfriend. So I asked him if we'd see each other sometime during his day. He had off and I didn't ... but I made it clear through the weekend that I wanted to see him. I just wanted to be able to wish him a happy one to his face and love him and touch him. But I didn't have any funds to work with or any plans... so he was making plans with his mom and his frat.... but... i kinda got left out. He didn't have any intention of seeing me on his birthday. I was really hurt. I let him know how badly that hurt me. He RACED (okay???) out from Brooklyn to meet me before I got on the train and called me when he got to the building and after an unusual us yelling over each other (really not at) he came to where I was (I'd left the office) and we spent 10 minutes just kissing. *sigh* He's so groovy. I love making up with him. Every day is making up. I'm so lucky to know Black love like this.
And his birthday is the most important day in MY life. Where would my life be if that day didn't mean what it does?
