There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Well, I went back today. But of course last night I had to have the crazy dream before I went back in. I actually had 2 and I'm having trouble remembering the second one. So I'll document the first which jolted me out of bed and made it so that I had to take a while to get back to sleep.
I was preparing for some big company event likenend to a Summer Jam. There was the regular hustle and bustle happening. Everyone was milling around and getting ready to get down for the event. I went to the backstage area when we reached the arena and walked towards the backstage entrance with a bunch of people. As we went through the threshold, someone held me back. It was a parttimer that worked for the promotions department and he was teary eyed. I'm sorry Victoria, he said. I said... c'mon... you KNOW I don't need clearance to get back here. Let me through. And he hesitates and continues to hold me back and say. "I'm really sorry... your position has been suspended and you no longer work for Emmis, Victoria. I'm really sorry to be the one to tell you." I was like WHAT?????? Are you kidding me? This is ridiculous. So I looked around to discuss it with someone at a higher rank. I found K Dot and asked him what he knew... And he said he knew about it. I milked him for details and he said "Well, they pulled me into a meeting and asked me if I thought I could handle the 2 sites you maintain... and I said yes. Then they asked me if they should fire you and I said sure why not." In disbelief I was like ARE YOU KIDDING??? How could you do that??? And he said... "it's what you wanted... you didn't want to come back... and you were wishing they'd fire you so you could collect severence." And I said... hmmm... okay, that's right! And I jolted awake when I realized the monetary implications that everything I've been working towards would no longer be able to happen.
I guess the reason it took me so long to get back to sleep was because the line of reality was so thin. I really thought that it had happened and I found myself sitting there really trying to talk myself into understanding that I hadn't been fired... it was the night before I go back after a very relaxing vacation, etc. Took a second, and of course, in the fashion of a regular work day... I fell into a deep sleep about a half hour before the alarm went off. *sigh*
Back to work. It wasn't so bad today. But I'm back.
