There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
This weekend started for me on Friday. I woke up and my eye was acting conjunctivitis-ish. But it calmed down for the day and I was at work. Learning much at the hands of Mr. K.Deeezay. He's really so very smart. I wonder if I'm going to learn everything I need to before he breaks the fuck out one day. Then in the afternoon, my baby comes to pick me up at work... and I turn to him at one point and ask him what he wants to do that evening with me. And he turned and gave me those Sad Sam eyes and said... "Didn't you plan anything for Date Night?" I didn't. I had forgotten. Because all I knew was that I was staying with him for the weekend. That idea took over the fact that I was supposed to do something innovative and exciting with my baby. He gave me a lecture. Not really that kind of lecture. But we sat in the car for about 20 minutes as he explained to me the metamorphosis that he underwent to make sure that he became the man that I wanted him to be. The man that I needed him to be in order for me to stay. And that was his idea behind Date night. To keep that spark. "One day, for date night, we'll bring the kids... we'll always do this. We'll always set aside time for each other." That touched me to the core. This man really wants me around for life. And I truly believe him. It's the first time in a long time that I let myself settle into believing anyone whole heartedly. But he's proven his quality over and over. After our talk, I took him to Deborah's for the first time and introduced him to the crew. It felt good. Then we went back to his house where we watched cartoons and fell asleep. At around 4 am, my love woke me up and I didn't get back to sleep till about 7. And I don't remember being impatient at all, like normally. I savored every moment. *sigh* I love his new mattress. It doesn't give me back pain which is WONDERFUL! Plus it's quiet *giggle*
When I did wake up at 7, I did awake to an eye that was glued shut and swollen and very much in pain. My baby whisked me back home and my brother came over and took place as my guide, while my baby went to practice. I called my eye doctor, he called in a prescription, but because I didn't have my whole new insurance card situation straightened out, I had to pay full price, which at that point, I was totally ready to do and did because my pain didn't let me feel otherwise. Of course I got home and found my new insurance card *ack* And spent the rest of the day and night medicating. Woke up a few times during the night to medicate but overall a really well rested evening. Mad that the stupid eye ruined a perfectly dreamy weekend in the making.
Today started out at 6:30 AM. August 8, 2004 marks the end of Deuil... French for Mourning. In Haiti, deuil (pronounced duy-ie) is a 3 year process. Today marks 3 years since we lost Grandma. Mom and Dad requested a mass be said in her name today at St. Bartholomew's Chapel. I dressed in Black, but not for mourning. It's just what I had planned to wear. I called my baby in the morning to give him an opportunity to join us for the service. But he was so groggy from the night before's celebrations he didn't feel up to it. So I went with the family. At the church, so much more family was there. All of grandma's children, except for my aunt and all the grand children except for 2. Then we went to the cemetary and stared at her plot, prayed in front of it and then came back here to eat Haitian Paté and expresso. My baby met us here, because he did awake and realize that he should have been here. Then it was just a day of lounging out and watching tv.
The 4400 is a mini-series on the USA Network that took up most of my day watching it with my brother as he twitchingly flipped channels in between commercial breaks. And now it's over. And he's getting ready to go home... and I will be going to bed soon. The eye is almost back to normal, although I have an appt with my Dr. tomorrow at 12:00 noon to make sure. But I'm awefully exhausted from the weekend and the infection has taken it's toll on my system.
Max's blog is a trip today. She's such a nut. And now I'm off to bed
