There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Funny how life changes things for people and you begin to become this totally different person. I ventured off onto the seldomly visited Black Planet. What a land of mischief and decadence that was years ago. Something told me to go in there and check up on if my page even still exists and the pages of my many "planeteers". Many of them have just disappeared. "Sorry this Black Planet Page no longer exists". Some have updated their pages to announce their new status as wedded or parented. Some have just wiped their page down and erased all memory of them having patrolled the planet searching for love... friendship... ass... whatever the call of the day was. I left mine up there. Updated it a little cause the code was getting bastardized by BP's wack interface. But... it says the same stuff as it's always said. I have no need to "record my voice" so others could hear it. I'm not interested in a BPJob (yet) and BP Love has always seemed to be more like BP Sex or BP CyberBooty. It's amazing how far we come in life, in a short period of time. I remember being around when BP first started. Community Connect was this little office off of Canal Street. And I went up there to meet with Omar Wasow - then, father of BP idea. They had such big plans. It was a time when pop ups were random. And it wasn't perplexed with advertisments. I remember when they had their party at White Space to celebrate their 1 Millionth member - and that's where I got my teeshirt, cause I sure wasn't collecting enough Member Points to do it. I remember it being fun and exciting and young and single and mingling and free. But now... just a nuisance if I log on. And when I don't think about it... I don't worry or remember it. I was talking to someone I used to cyberflirt with. And he's moved way on in life and he said to me "I was wondering why we don't flirt anymore". And all I could think about was... my homewrecking days and non interest in knowing what is in your life beyond our conversations are over. Something that insignificant can completely ruin whole marriages now and worse... yield absoltely nothing for me but pent up aggression and singleness still. Plus when I did discuss something randomly sexual (not flirtatious at all) with him the other day, seemed like he clammed up. I might have scared him away with that discussion. One page I visited of an old acquaintance said "Currently under De-struction". I found that interesting to read...I felt maybe he was talking about more than just his Black Planet page.
Off to Max's Dress fitting tonight. I took the day from work. Mental health I consider it. My tension headache overruled me last night. And it took over my brain this morning. I allowed myself not to slave today. Except at my own will.
