There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Getting to the train today was nice. This guy, who I imagine was an MTA worker (from his florescent vest and hard hat) and about 40 of his co-workers were standing at the base of the steps at 90th street. I noticed him out of all because he was black and pretty cute and on a phone. We locked eyes for a quick second, but I usually assume folks are just scanning their area when they lock eyes with me (because of course, the remnants of low self esteem tend to speak loudly). As I rounded the corner of the stairwell, I looked through the railing... just glancing to see if he was still looking. He had turned all the way around... and waved to me while he was talking on his cell. I smiled my little sheepish non-teeth smile and got my way up the stairs. Felt good though. I love attention; preferrably, unsolicited. It's a libra thing. I was explaining to my friend Darrius the other day about me and my baby... how we're both libras... and how rare that is that it works out. Libras love being center stage. So one of us has to acquiesce the stage. I've chosen to be that one between the two of us. I let him take center stage and be the center of our attention. He gets all my affectionate energy, and he eats it up. I dote on him constantly and admire him and rhapsodize his beauty. Maybe he doesn't do so much for me... but it's par for the course when you play the side stage. But he loves me unconditionally and would do anything for me. That's my compensation. I get my "attention" from other places. Smiles on the street; praises of my work; adoration to and from my Sorors, etc. That satiates the lavishing me with compliment after compliment from my sweetie. He's not built that way. So I'm learning to work with what he is built for. Plain old LOVE. That old fashioned stuff you just don't find anymore.
I was on the train coming in this morning, contemplating my usual thoughts (sex, politics, fashion) when I noticed this man standing across from me. Arab man. He was looking at me... and we did the quick stare down battle. I gave in because it was just making me nervous. He looked a little antsy and that made me even moreso... That once the train went into the tunnel I started having a big panic attack. My worst fear is that some nutjob will detonate something as we're in the deepest part of the tunnel under the river. So not only will the train get blasted to smithereens... but the pressure from the river will make the beams give and flood the tunnel. As my heart started to race... My brain snapped into motion... "The Lord is My Shepherd... I shall not want..." I put my hand over my face and just breathed and recited as much of it to myself as I could remember. "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death... I shall fear no evil... Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me." I repeated it about 4 times... and I looked up and we were at 5th avenue (2 stops past the tunnel). And homeboy was gone already. Glad my mind is trained to rely on the Lord.
I got an invite the other day to attend an old acquaintances birthday party from Cary. But I won't be around. Being polite, I called to leave a message and decline. But it was BUGGED how I had to sit there and try to remember the number. I truly didn't remember. That number was like remembering my name. I never had to think about it. But I had to look it up on the web. That defense mech. is working a little too well. Completely burying pain in the recesses of my mind. And quickly too. I was trying to remember some stuff that happened on 9/11/01 and althought I KNOW I was in much more mental pain and anguish than I let on... the most emotion I remember showing the whole day was crying on the phone with my baby's supervisor (she was in tears too), cause we couldn't find my baby. Worst 5 hours of my life. He was stuck in the trains though... safe from harm. *thank GOD* I've been spared from a lot. I hope to continue recieving those blessings.
I'm chatty today. I guess I should get some work done. Updated some poetry the other day. Gotta get the full spectrum up there :)
