There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Sleep in Peace When Day is Done... That's What I Mean...
I'm feeling pretty crappy right now. More sad than angry. Today's been a pretty sucky day. It's 4:02 and I can't wait for it to be over. Maybe the weather is working against me. Maybe my own words. Either way... it's pretty bad. Hard to remember and hold on to the good thoughts when I'm feeling low. Their express purpose is to keep me up when I'm down. I think to my little white rose. God knows what he's doing in my life. And it'll ultimately be good. Even just acknowledging that just now makes me feel a little better.
In college... and maybe most of my life... I've always taken folks at their word. I figured... if I'm telling the truth about stuff 99% of the time, then it only makes sense that the folks around me would be too. This predisposition to believing that everyone is inherently good is likened to something called "naivete" or more colloquially known as gullibility. To the point where my friends in college used to compare me to Sinclair... a character on Living Single (90's sitcom). She was this lovable, cute, tree hugging type that always managed to see the good in people. Drawback: she was so believing in people's "inherent" niceness... that she couldn't tell when they were lying. Instead of being a cynical ASSHOLE and just being predisposed to believing that EVERYONE is LYING... it's a trait that I don't get rid of. My naivete... my gullibility. And I was tested on it a few moments ago... on a dare. "I bet you she believes me if I say such & such". And I did. Of course. Because I'm predisposed to believe my friends. Gosh that hurt.
Someone is using my words against me. But for the life of me I can't imagine why.
birds flying high you know I feel
sun in the sky you know I feel
breeze drifting on by... you know I feel
