There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Me: I hate my family.
Max: oh damn
Max: what happened
Me: yo... why can't they just be supportive?
Me: why does everyone have to be down on me. You know?
Max: what aren't they supporting
Me: i'm in the street this morning getting breakfast for my parents and my aunt sees me in the street.
Me: I don't even get a hello.
Max: no. way.
Me: "Vicky... WHEN ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED, HUH???"
Max: no she didn't
Me: so I tried to ignore and ask about her daughter...
Max: right
Me: and she told me rubbing it in my face - "Sabrina has a new baby!!! WHEN ARE YOU???"
Max: Goddamn!
Max: you shoulda walked away
Me: and I'm like... you know what Auntie Sonya... I'm not ready. I don't know when. I'm happy like this...okay?
Max: double dog damn
Me: she let me off with that. I doubt she won't ask again... but...at least...I staved it off for today
Me: so I get home...fuming... because I DON'T have that answer.
Me: not even for myself.
Me: and my mom hands me a stack of pictures I guess my dad found.
Max: right
Me: I had to be about 12 in the picturs.
Max: ok
Me: and I was a stick.
Max: so
Me: and I looked at the pictures... and said "Damn... I was a stick, huh?"
Me: and here goes my mom...
Me: "You'd've been better off if you stayed a stick, don't you think?"
Max: Jesus
Me: THIS COMING FROM THE WOMAN I LOOK EXACTLY LIKE
Me: I'M FAT JUST LIKE HER.
Me: SHE WAS A STICK ONCE TOO...
Max: Damn
Me: SHE SHOULD KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THIS FEELS LIKE.
Me: i'm sooo sad right now, max.
Max: Damn man I'm sorry
Max: But I know EXACTLY how you feel
Max: My Mom did a number on me the last time I saw her
Max: The following words were used
Max: Puffy
Max: Fat
Max: The family says
Max: and the closer
Max: are your feet swollen?
Me: oh man.
Max: I felt like a steaming pile of shit
Me: what is WITH these people?
Max: I have no idea
Max: I was like
Max: speechless
Max: and that's a stretch for me
Max: I felt horrible
Max: I just wanted to go home
Max: she says to me where?
Max: In a clothing store
Max: where I couldn't fit most of the stuff anyway
Max: Sometimes I wonder if these women are so jealous of us that they intentionally crap on us
Max: Cause we are doing so much more than they ever did
Max: Even my Aunt laying in bed probably dying of cancer mananged a Zinger when she saw me
Me: i am in like full blown cry...
Me: i'm sorry...
Max: don't apologize
Max: i'm calling
Max: turn on your fone
Me: ok
Me: Earl is all panicky..
Me: lmao
Me: he hasn't heard me cry over the phone before.
Max: aw
Max: i guess I can hang up
Me: i'll call right back.
Max: no problem
Me: thank you so much for calling, Maxi.
Me: I really needed to hear someone who was on my side.
Me: I love you so much.
Max: I can't say I have heard you cry on the fone either
Max: That's what I'm here for
Max: Don't let them do this to you
Max: You have accomplished so much
Max: and have more to conquer
Max: like I said
Max: everything is temporary
Max: shit could change in a second
Me: i know.
Me: *sigh*
Max: all for the positive
Me: yo it's crazy
Me: i'm talking to Earl and he's getting alot of the same flack from his mom..
Me: and it's INSANE how we hold our tongues to tell them what for.
Me: "I'm doing better than you did at this age"
Me: I'd LOVE to say that to ANY of them because it's true!
Max: Word
Max: Like I was speechless when my Mom got at me for my weight
Me: *sigh*
Me: str8 up.
Me: SAME WITH MINE
Max: I usually give her what for with her wack husband
Me: you're a different brand of human
Me: you come from the planet Candor
Max: LOL
Max: lol
Me: lmao!!!!
Max: sometimes I wish i didn't
Me: I don't
Me: I'm ECSTATIC that you are
Max: cause I say shit and don't even know why
Max: thanks man
Me: I need a friend like you around.
Max: aw I need you too man
Max: you give me faith in the good of man
Me: do?
Me: do i?
Max: cause this sister is a cynic to the core
Me: I feel like I'm losing mine.
Max: yes you do
Max: don't
Me: it's hard dude.
Max: you need to keep yours
Max: we're fucked for real then if you lose it
Me: oh noooo!!!
Me: I hold the hope of the universe
Me: lmao!!!
Max: LOL
Me: yo...
Max: yo
Me: I was ready to fight someone in that club on Thursday.
Me: Lmao!!!
Max: LOL
Me: I kept trying to start something
Me: with DUDES no less.
Max: why?
Me: ... off of misunderstandings.
Max: Vic = thug
Max: lol
Me: Vic = wannabe-thug
Max: misunderstandings over what?
Me: when I thought homeboy was calling Jen a bitch...
Me: it was about to be on!!!!
Max: LOL
Max: yeah
Max: I was like trying to get the info before I took my shoes off
Me: yeaaaah... my gurls had my back!
Max: please, I haven't fought since 3rd grade but I woulda been in there
Me: and then I thought I saw Sug struggling with her Ecuadorian man.
Max: me too
Max: I was bout to step up
Me: I was watching that pretty close.
Max: i was too
Me: *tee hee*
Max: lol
Me: we're like mother hens
Me: hahahahahah
Max: yah
Max: lol
Me: i had a hella good time, though.
Me: my feet STILL hurt.
Max: me too
Max: man i'm chillin like i'm 21
Me: TRUE!!!!
Max: my knees were shot!
Me: poor mama...
Max: I'm down to do it til the summer ends
Max: that shit was too much fun
Me: SAME HERE!!!!!
Me: *woo hoo*
Max: and it's great excercise
Me: yeah... really more effective minus the liquor
Max: I may just wrap my knees up and do the damn thing
Max: lol
Max: word
Max: I want to go back to suede
Max: and apt
Me: and debs
Me: when we have time
I'm so lucky to have friends and a brother who are so great at catching me when I'm plummeting to the earth. My baby, Max and Domi came to my rescue today. And I feel SO much better now. I LOVE YOU GUYS :) Maybe I'm not a waste of time after all *wink*
