There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
God always seems to send a child to comfort me. And that most of all is comforting.
I was fresh off the boat from having done my job at the CD smooth cruise when I was sitting there with Shar. Maybe the liquor was getting to us and we decided that wallowing in our own self pity was the next event on the schedule for the night. So as we're sitting there trying to verbally outdo each other about how much worse her life is than mine and mine than hers, a little boy with a head full of curly locks (he couldn't have been more than 3 yrs old) starts to play a little game with me... where he tries to get as close as he can before I notice him and "catch" him trying to sneak over to me. And I would catch him a little closer every time with my eyes and smile. Maybe even motion a tiny "peek a boo" style look on my face and he would run away squealing with laughter. No sooner did he run than did I return to my wallowing. The first time he came by, Shar said "at least you have the prospects of maybe having one of those one day." And I said to her, knowing that she didn't know yet, "Not if I want it to be healthy." And thusly the questioning ensued that demanded me to explain the whole A Negative blood type deal. And then she said "well... you can always adopt." (because she just HAD to make it sound like my life wasn't so bad...which in hindsight it wasn't). A little while and about 5 or 6 Peek aboos later, my phone rang and it was my baby telling me he was posted outside. As I got up and secured my bag on my back... my little boyfriend runs up to me, holding something for me.
A single white rose. Prepared as a boutonniere. And he was so joyful in giving it to me. And he stared at me as I admired it. And I thanked him... snuck over to his parents and made sure that he wasn't giving me something that was theirs (he wasn't) and I left... sniffing it the whole way.
Now, logically, he could have picked it up off the floor or even off of a stranger or whatever... and it's just a piece of trash that he thought would be nice to give to me. But I have to read into everything. And I'm sure that God sent him. At the right time With a flower that signifies "I am worthy of you" or purity... to say... "stop worrying about it. When the time comes you WILL bear a beautiful, healthy life. That is worthy of you." And I felt so much better. My life certainly isn't that bad. I make it out to be worse than it is. And now my little rose has given me a whole load of hope.
