There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I'm really beginning to think maybe that should be the name of my blog. How I have to deal with the fact that my family is riddled with sickness, compounded with bad thinking. My 1st uncle (mom's 1st brother because she's the eldest), came over this morning to share breakfast and coffee and drive my father to the mechanic to exchange a tail light. While sitting there (although I still feel like the little child that shouldn't say anything when the "grown-ups" are talking - he explained that the Dr. wants to put him under the knife for his colon cancer... and that he'd end up with a coloscopy bag attached to his hip. And I said... "Forever???" and he said... yep. I completely agree with his hesitance to live that way... but the choice is living that way and living longer or living with out it and shortening your chances. As he reached for the ashtray to light up (as he always does), the grown ups were talking again about smoking in other peoples houses and how some folks won't allow it... and they all sounded appalled. I was the voice of reason that was like... They have every right to ask you not to smoke. They pleaded the argument against that and topped it off by saying.. "Well our father smoked all the time and we were in the house and we're fine" Then the tally went off in my head:
Granny: Breast Cancer
Mom (sibling 1) : Uterine Cancer
Vava (sibling 2): Colon Cancer
Elsie (sibling 3): Always sick with something... who knows what it is
Wilhelm: (sibling 4): Might be sick but lives to far to want us to be involved.
Jean Hubert (sibling 5): Prostate Cancer
Plus ALL the brothers smoked themselves at one point. Mom and Elsie managed not to.
HOW ON GOD'S EARTH DO THEY THINK THEY ESCAPED GRANDPA's SMOKE??? (who consequently died of liver cancer or cancer of the stomach - the jury is out on that STILL... 20 yrs later)
They didn't. But they're all waiting for lung cancer. Crazy.
My brother and I and the cousins (all the children of this line) HAVE to be the ones to change this trend.
