There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Getting to sleep was excessively difficult last night. I stayed up for much longer than I needed to with all sorts of thoughts running through my head. Nervous energy abounded. At first I was sure that I'd have all sorts of nightmares about creepy crawlies (I caught a glimpse of something my dad was watching on the news about bed bugs) but I did eventually fall asleep. I actually felt really rested at 5:45 when the alarm went off. But greed overran the urge to feel responsible. So I went back to sleep with the intent of waking up at 7:00.
And that's when the night's strange dream began. I dreamt that I was on a train - like the kind I take to get to work. Except it was nighttime and the train was packed. There were a lot of folks on the train that looked like they had sawed off shot guns under some kind of plastic wrap (like the kind folks wear when its raining) and they were wearing orange jumpsuits (the prisoner kind). But for whatever reason I didn't feel threatened. I was actually convinced that they were there to protect us. One of them came and sat down across from me in the corner of the train. I put my hands up as a gesture of peace and non resistance (originally I was going to go for my wallet for ID, but I thought it best not to play out that scenario). The man stuck the gun out in my direction. I put my hands up more visibly and offered a sheepish smile as if to indicate, "look... I am really harmless." And without a change in expression, he shot me. It took me a couple of seconds to register what he did. But then the blood started to pour. And in real life- not in the dream- an eerie chill went through my whole body. It was a familiar chill. The "oh shit... I'm about to die" chill-But why is that familiar to me? I've not died in this life nor have I violently died in a dream (that I can remember). At that point I decided it best to just wake up. I went through the morning in a daze trying to figure it out- what scares me most about this trip: What awaits me when I get there? Or the fear that I won't make it there (or back).
