There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
So... you're supposed to be to the airport 2 hours before you board the flight... you know.. in order to go through customs and all that kind of crap. But I got to the airport like.... 2 1/2 hours in advance and went through customs in a matter of 20 minutes. And now I'm just sitting here fielding stares of "is she a terrorist".... Smart move for me to wear my headwrap to the airport. And just generally feeling odd. To the point where I had to pull out my laptop and get to looking busy... so here I am.
Last time I flew internationally, it was when I was 5. I flew to Port-au-Prince to see my Grandfather before he died and to see my new cousin (D) be baptized. It was quite an experience. A negative one mostly. I just hated the fact that everything was "dirt & dogs". I never realized till I was older how much it hurt my mom to hear me say that about her homeland. But it's how, as a 5 year old, I felt about it. That placed housed everything that I was afraid of as a child. Dirt. Dogs. Bugs. Lack of civilized spoils. But it was the only time I saw my mom be herself. The only time I saw my mom in a bathing suit, by the beach. The only time I remember sitting in my Grandpa's lap. He and I looked out the window and stared at clouds going by and I swore I saw a cloud of a little girl and a man with a hat sitting in a chair. I don't remember there being a language gap between he and I. But my mom's stories about him would clear that up. He was the proprietor of THE American Hotel in Haiti. He NEEDED to speak English. I wish I had gotten to know him better personally instead of through stories. He seemed like a really interesting guy.
Anyways... so I get here after all the "customs" (what a joke) and the flight that's leaving out of the gate I would be waiting at is a flight going to Port-au-Prince. Funny coincidence I think.
I'm much calmer today than I've been all week about flying out. I've been on pins and needles all week and I've been generally edgy and nervous. But today I'm more at peace. I found out yesterday that Tricia will be on the flight with me and I think that put me at ease more. Not like she'll be able to stop anything stupid that happens on the flight, but at least I won't be "alone". We're not sitting together but... it's just nice to have folks be around that know my name and maybe a little bit about me.
I'm realizing right now how much I love my laptop. It's making me feel so much more at ease and I stopped fidgeting around... which is probably why less folks are looking at me like a terrorist. I don't think I look like one. But who knows what they look like anymore. I think that anyone could be one. Not just the ones who wear headwraps.... Probably LEAST likely them.
It's 9:54AM and we board in a half hour. I'm beginning to wonder where Tricia is. I'm sure she'll get here right in time. But it's not like her to be tardy. But she's been jetsetting anyways. She just got back from San Juan and now she's headed down again. Oh to be young and wealthy. Must be nice.
I didn't dream last night. At least not to my recollection. I just slept. Maybe that's part of why I don't feel so exhausted. I could definitely sleep on the plane, but I'm not so groggy that I tried to talk myself into lying back down. I heard the conversation start but I didn't play into it. They say it's going to rain the whole time we're down there. Or at the very least, be overcast. I would love fir it to just be nice weather. But I should be so lucky. I just want to come back with a tan. Really that's my goal. A tan and one more notch in my traveling belt. The first of the international journeys. My next one... London maybe? I guess we'll have to see how this one turns out. The gate is beginning to fill up with people now. For the size plane that we'll be on, I really expected millions of people. Hopefully there won't be anyone sitting next to me. But my luck... I'll sit next to someone with a really small bladder. Good thing we'll be right by the lavatory.
Okay... I guess I'll try to do something else now so that I don't blog away every little thought in my head right now.
