There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I am in it. Totally. We had our date night last night. Can you imagine? That's really stuff you hear about in sappy tv shows and movies. But we actually have one and we're true to it. So we went out to the new Hudson River Park that is right on the water on the west side of NY and you have a perfect view of the Jersey skyline and we watched all the ferries go by and watched the skyline go from grey to black. The classic R&B band Chic was performing in the park so we were surrounded by music and children and folks just being. And I sat my head in his lap and he played with my hair and we felt the need to talk about NOTHING important. And we were in no rush. It was really wonderful. When we're good we're so good. When we're bad... I'm the only one who thinks so. ha! Because he never sees anything wrong with us. He's so much more patient than I'll ever be... so I'm not sure about getting to that point one day. I'll work towards it. But at least he is willing to work with me. I guess I'm the project this time around. I just don't understand why it took me this long to know that I could live sweetly with someone and have no drama if I wanted to. This is the most drama free I've been in a long time. And I'm so happy for it. I don't have to have my heart broken to appreciate it feeling whole. But having had it broken is making me know the wholeness so much more intimately.
I had dinner with my brother 2 nights ago and I told him about the cloud temple dream. And he suggested that it might be how I feel about turning 30. I NEVER thought about it that way. But strangely enough, this is the first dream that I didn't search for too much meaning out of either. I was contented with it just making me calm and serene. But perhaps that is how I feel. Mom reprimanded me last night for referring to myself as 30 already. I'm like... c'mon. It's 4 months out. Does it matter that I hold on to 29 till the last minute? I don't see the importance of it. But maybe I'll do it to keep folks off my back ;)
I spoke with sug yesterday. Strangely enough... I don't do that so much anymore. Dom suggested to me that it's because in my mind she's already gone and I've prepared my mind to not speak to her anymore. That's sad that I do that. Kill people off in my mind. But I'm realizing now more than ever that I've built all of these defense mechanisms that quietly work in the background and I don't realize they've gone into effect until later...
I found some old journal entries from 2000 and 2001. I'll post them today. It's funny to look back and see what I was thinking back then.
