There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
So I went out last night with my girls last night. Primarily Max & Sug but Shar was there and Az and friends. It was a BET Viewing party and I'd never gone to one of those before. But JB was throwing it and so I decided to support. I had fun. I'd never watched TV with that many people before. The intro to the show was funny and bold to me. Monique, the comedienne, and 8 other very full figured sistahs re-enacted Beyonce's Crazy In Love Video. I cheered and cheered because it's great that big girls can get that kind of movement going. Then some cats in the audience I was in actually booed. Although I'm transitioning out of being an "official" big girl... the hate that comes from dudes like that is what makes me so mad. If we as "big girls" could just decide on our own that maybe this isn't what we want to be, then maybe we'd love ourselves more to actually make the change. Instead we get hated on... and then we hate ourselves... and hate the process of turning something we hate into something we can love. It's such a sick circle. But kudos to those women... they represented.
The party wasn't much of a party, we didn't get to dance all that much... but the ride home was really great. I was in the car with my 2 best friends reminiscing about college and it was phenom. We laughed and remembered crazy times and just were young all over. It was really great. I'm going to miss Sug so much. She was marveling at how "black" I am now. It's funny when I'm in these social settings with them, they marvel. Because I was soooooo white when they met me. I hear them whispering to each other "we've created a monster" LMAO!!!! Those two are definitely the mothers of my new mind. But it was so cool hanging out with them.
My sweet baby drove us all home and I got out and hugged everyone... and then he took me home. He played Jill Scott in the car on the way to drop Shar off... and I got out of the car to walk Shar to her apt. door. On the way back I could hear the faint guitar / violin / base of "Is It the Way". And he stood there by the passenger seat car door with it open, waiting for me. And I looked at him. And wrapped my arms around him and kissed him. And he kissed me back in a way that said, he didn't only want one kiss. He slid his arms around my waist and held me close. We got in the car and I held right arm as he drove (which he loves)... and he took me home. All the weirdness and stupidity that was between us for the past few days just evaporated and we were okay again. So this is for my sweetness:
Your browser doesn't support the EMBED tag, but you can still listen to the music on this page by <a href="http://www.thoughtsdaughter.com/sounds/theway.mp3">clicking here.</a>
This morning was just crazy. I woke up feeling like someone had done the riverdance on my head all night. I called in sick hoping to feel better by about noon so that I could get in there and do a little work. But then as I'm getting dressed from my refreshing shower... mom comes in and said "she needs my help" Seems like dad has been "wobbly" all day and very out of sorts and he needed to go to the dr... but she didn't have the energy to do it. So I had to step in and do it. Stay the rest of the day and drive him to the Dr. I was much more comfortable driving today than I've been. I need to just get the license. I was worried about him. As we sat in the dr's office waiting for him to come in, I tried to milk dad for information. Try to get a feel for what he's feeling... I asked him if he was feeling funny today. He said no. I said "mom said you're kind of dizzy today." He said "Just like her" and he burst into one of his self gratifying laughs. So then I asked him... "She said you've been slow today" And he said, "Well..." and then he paused.... "where am I rushing to?" And I cackled this nervous laugh that started me into tears. I didn't understand where it came from. I want to believe that it popped some nervous pressure bubble that was sitting on my chest. But I wasn't any calmer after. So we're all home, Dominic included and we're monitoring him carefully. He's got a fever of 101.3 that we've fought down to 100.3 And he's still pretty sluggish. I'm hoping for a full nights sleep... his full recovery and my return to the regular world again. We'll just have to see. I just don't want another night like ones in the past... interrupted sleep and rushing to get to somewhere I don't want to go.
