There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
This may be my last post to the old server. I set the domain to move tonight, so tomorrow morning... Fresh beginnings!
I had a good cry tonight. I guess it was just sitting on my chest for a little while. I was watching the season premiere of "Six Feet Under", (morbidly...I am a fan of it). And at the end, when he's burying his wife once he's covered the ground over her body... he lets out this scream. I want to believe that the scream is universal for anyone who has lost someone who is irreplacable. It is this... frustrated scream of complete emptiness. There is NO answer. And there is no relief. And hearing him scream that way... I guess it triggered it off for me. And I cried. Luckily my baby was here to hold me and console me. And at first I wasn't going to let him. I was going to cart him off to his house so I could watch it in peace. I'm glad that he was here. Cause I would have stopped myself from crying again. But I needed to let it out. I have a headache I cried so hard. But it needed to happen. I worry about time too much. And how I spend that time. And how I feel that I'm on someone else's schedule. All the time. So I have to hurry hurry hurry for so & so to see something happen in my life because God knows how long they'll be here. It's a shame. Hastened decisions are always the worst ones.
Hopefully this week will be much more productive than the last... I'm going to attempt to get some rest... beyond just sleeping... tonight.
