There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
So I've ordered new hosting for my blog... I hated the host I was on before and have come to the decision that I don't want to get dicked in the ass anymore if I haven't asked for it. And this is one of those situations where I was like "I'd like to pay for horrible service please?". So if my blog is acting glitchy for the next couple of days... All due to change.
I had a sit down bfast with mommy today. We were discussing the book "The Purpose Driven Life." She gave it to me to read and I've actually been reading every day. But I'm resigned to believing maybe I'm not ready for the message it gives. Maybe if I read it later... or if I had read it earlier. But it's not striking that chord for me that it seems to have in everyone else. But we were talking. And I got some real insight into how mommy felt raising us. Into how she felt like she's searching her life for meaning and purposefulness in retrospect now. And she was having trouble finding it. I told her that at the very least... beyond the IMMENSE courage that it took to leave what she knew in Haiti and start of in a WHOLE OTHER CONTINENT... at the hope of a better life for her kids... Moving to (at the time) the most dangerous city in all of America... and then raising two not so bad kids...
At the very least... She's made a HUGE impact on my life and is the only person I regard as half a step below God (and that's only out of respect for God). So if her life was questionable for her... Her life was vital and indispensable for me. I don't know how I would have made it thus far. She started to cry. And I held her and I wanted to cry too... but she would have focused on me and getting me to stop crying so I held it in. But I was overwhelmed with emotion. Mom is it, man. The complete and whole reason I stayed sane this long. How many time she's held me while I cried for some stupidity? How many times she stood stoically as a touchstone for my brother and I when we were afraid? How she sacrificed her youth for us to give us what we needed growing up? How she sacrificed her LIFE for us ... so that we'd have a better chance? Yo... we got the best there is out there. I don't care what ANYONE says. She was handpicked by God from the Angels... just for us peons on earth to understand what true spirituality is.
I just wish I could make her feel more... that her life here wasn't a waste... to HER. Maybe that can be done by doing more with my own.
