There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Usually on my way in to the office I pull out my palm pilot to play video games to numb my mind on the commute. But today my mind is sufficiently occupied.
As I sluggishly moved around this morning to get ready (armed with the thoughts that i didn't need to rush because my boss is "working from home today" and despite the half day I get to stay till 6:30 working on Michael Satan) my thoughts were occupied with the weigh in today. I laid under the sheets feeling the difference in my body, knowing that the scale won't feel it at all. Worrying about my failed WW week, I duq around to find clean clothes to wear today. I reached down and found a tee shirt of CK's that somehow found its way into my wardrobe. As I inspected the shirt for its cleanliness and wearability, my cell phone rang. Odd. It was my baby's ring. Not late enough for him to be looking for me by cell. I picked up and heard his voice. I knew something bad had happened. "CK's dad passed away this morning"
CK's dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer about 2 months ago. The last person I knew who was diagnosed with terminal cancer held on for what seemed like years. So this was soooo unexpected so soon. And I can only imagine what CK is going through- is about to go through. He's young still to be at the loss of a parent already.
One of my greatest fears of long ago. Seems like something I just quietly wait for now. It IS going to happen. It's just a matter of when and how. Almost terminal.
Something else I was thinking about... With all this terrorist stuff, Ltd is hard to say who might go first. I may be in the city at the time of the next attack. I may fall victim to it. My parents may have to bury me. Half of the fear is not knowing what may happen. The other half is not moving fast enough to be "ready" when it does.
Originally, my entry was going to be light and airy- funny even, about this prostitution bust my brother and I witnessed on the way home yesterday and about what beautiful music he and I rediscovered on his IPod and on my Real Rhapsody.
But I'm just going to dedicate my energies to sending positive vibes towards CK and his family and hope that at some point, they might see this as a new beginning and be grateful for God's mercies in not making him suffer for a long time.
