There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I am in the foulest mood today. And it's a result of going to bed in the foulest mood last night. That shit just carries over. I had a falling out with my baby last night. It's so bad that I didn't even want to type "my baby" just now. I just was so angry and he just made it worse. And I'm just tired. I stick around incessantly but for what? Because he drives me around? and drops everything to pick me up or run an errand or take me home? The entirety of why I'm with him should NOT revolve around the fact that he drives and I don't. So what happens when I start driving? Same thing that happened to LV and her man? She stops seeing a need for him? And he struggles to get back in? As I've said before, there's got to be a concrete reason. I can't keep attributing all the things I enjoy doing to other folks and to myself because then what's the need for him? And I'm probably not seeing the reason because I'm vexed right now. I can't even fully justify why I'm so vexed. I just know that I am and I'm not prepared to be unvexed anytime soon. I'm good being angry. Maybe I just needed to be angry for the next 24 - 48 hours. I've been pleasant for entirely too long. Just going along with everything. Even if it brings me pain and makes me feel like I've compromised things in my life. I've managed to maintain a smile on my face and seem like everything is peachy. But no. I just want to be angry right now. And I'll allow myself to feel it, fully. Not stifle it like I usually do.
