There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
So, I have been religiously going to the gym for the last 3 days. It's felt really good. Each day I push myself a little more. Day one I ran for 3/4 of a mile and biked for 4. Day 2 I ran 1.5 miles and biked for 4. Day three I ran 2.25 miles on a weight loss track. I biked none, cause I was OUT of it by that time. But it felt really good to just regularly go in to the gym and knock it out. Hit my goal without giving in. I just have to get hardcore with it with the weights and I'll be back on track.
I weigh in today, so I hope the scale reflects my work. But even if it doesn't, I'll have to understand. These things take time. I think I have the 4 pegs in place: 1) Exercise 2) Eat sensibly 3) Drink lots of water 4) Get enough sleep. I have to quit smoking though. It's completely unnecessary and I'm sure if I just get out of the habit of doing it to fall asleep, I'll get used to life without it. All things in time. I can't go cold turkey on anything. It just doesn't work for me.
I think the endorphins from working out are digging me out of my ditch. It really smelled bad there. It was just a horrid feeling all the time, no hope, no excitement, no inspiration... nothing. So I hope I'm on an upward swing that stays upward.
I stayed at my baby's house on Tuesday night. It threw me off. Now I know why I don't do it anymore. It makes me miss him all week long. Cause I just want that every day. But the longer I go without it... the less of an opportunity I have to miss him. I just get used to life without him. Sounds like the cigarettes. So all week, coming home to my empty room and not seeing him and he's got Kappa stuff yesterday night, tonight, tomorrow night... etc... and the abyss whistled with wind. For the first time in a long time. And I didn't like it.
