There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
That's how I'm feeling... on a whole. I'm disgusted with life right now and I'm jealous of everyone who has more and better. Just to the point of being angry. I hate my life. I hate my skin. I hate my body. I hate my job. I hate hating everything. I hate. And this is the point at which I would throw myself on the floor and flail about and pout. Mentally, I've done that a million times this week.
My self image is KILLING me this week. I feel like folks don't want to talk to me because I'm not cute. And I'm not talking about cats hollering. Just... regular folks to talk to me about anything... work... school...life whatever. Between my skin acting crazy and markin up... and the weight not being quite right... I feel those are the first things people see when they talk to me. And so I can't engage them truly... cause they're distracted by them. Maybe because I'm so distracted by them. I realize that I'm MUCH more vain than I had estimated. I'm realizing alot that my apple didn't fall far from my mom's tree. I'm suffering from her vanity (even though she never gave into it and became diva like... she withholds herself from the public for fear that she's too unattractive... sound familiar?) I'm beginning to give in to my unwillingness and disdain for getting things done. I'll sit in the middle of a muck pile that I created and be completely upset with it. And all I have to do is walk away... but I refuse to put that much energy into it.
I ran into someone on the train that is like an aunt to us... but really she's just a family friend, but when my brother and I were growing up, the "Village" was in effect in the Haitian community that was in our neighborhood. They all raised us... watched each others kids... keep us kids in line etc. So... she must have just had surgery lately. And she saw me on the train on my way to work; on her way to therapy. And she talked to me about how my mom should go get the surgery done too... "But first she has to lose some weight" she said. And I hung my head in shame for my mom and said, "I know." It's the same thing I WANT to do when folks I haven't seen in a while say "Wow... you've um.... gained some weight, huh Vic?" Mostly the folks that knew me in High school and College. I'm just downright not the same person. My 13 year old self has been resurfacing. Head hanging down... disappointed.
