There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I had a dream last night and i guess i wanted to write it down before i forgot.
The first part of the dream, i was watching a movie with my mom. I could have sworn in real life that i had seen this movie before and it was just replaying in my dream. It was in french and thls guy was talking about all the things he never got to do and would have llked to. He said one phrase and mommy went, "Ahhh..." with this dreamy look in her eyes like... "yeah.. me too." So i asked her what it meant and she told me and I said , "Ahhh..." Must have been beautiful, whatever it was. So the movie continued on and the narrative was emphasized with subtitles as the screen split lengthwise showing two different locations- like maybe a scene in london and a same time frame in Paris or India. (definitely foreign / not US). And in the dream, i saw it coming. I threw my hand towards the screen and whisper-yelled, "BOOM!" it didint happen right then - but it did happen. In a crowded marketplace, a bomb went off and people were running and screaming for their lives.
Thats when i woke up a little to turn over and stop dreaming THAT dream. Terrorists invade that part of my brain all to often for me to sit through another playing.
When i fell back to sleep, I started dreaming that Max and I were hanging out with Dave Chappelle. I don't know if in the dream, I was dating him or not. He's REALLY not my type at all. We went to this really swanky restaurant on (seemingly) the upper east side. And of course everyone knew Dave and greeted him with choruses of, "YEAHHHH," or "OKAAAY," or "WHAAT?" (white folks, mind you. All making asses of themselves. But Dave took it all in stride! I don't remember how the dream ended up but it ended quite abruptly with me waking and feeling like I hadn't gotten much sleep.
Day 5 of missing my period. And luckily with this new chaste lifestyle (or damned near)... i never have to fear that it could be that I'm with child. Unless immaculately concieved, then no. All the symptoms are present... but not the actual. I guess it'll show when LEAST convenient for me.
