There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
That's my general state of mind lately. I just feel out of it all the time. Doesn't matter if I've slept for 4 days straight, I am still tired half way through the day. But I started taking my vitamins today and someone actually said I look like I've lost weight. Of course I didn't need to hear that before I go weighing in tomorrow. God forbid that scale say something different.
I'm formulating a plan of action in my head for how I'm going to dig out of this ditch. Somewhere in May, I'm going to find 4 days (maybe even a full work week). to take off. During that week, I'm going to clean as much as I can, see as many doctors as I can and just try to get as much rest as I can. I think I deserve it. I hope it doesn't exhaust me more. The cleaning alone makes me want to go crawl up into my bed. But I think that before I turn 30... a whole lot of things have to happen. And one of them is making my safe haven um... more accomodating. I hope i put this into action. Curves hasn't seen hide nor hair of me since 2 weeks ago. And I've been so programmed that any reason that I would give comes out of my head as an excuse. Tools of the weak and incompetent yadda yadda.
