There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
The Ability to Bring a Task to it's Successful Completion
#6 on the list of the "Tools of A Pledge". I learned that on line seemingly a MILLION years ago and it's still my favorite on the list. It shows alot to be able to take something up... and see it through. It's prestigious to call for that at any time in life. It's hard. Obstacles riddle the way with pain and suffering and great excuses to give up. But the willingness to pursue through to the end is a noble will.
I was told on Friday that the head of interactive doesn't really consider me a "web designer" per say. I guess he's entitled to his position. Gosh it hurt though. And I cried. And I hate to cry because of my job. So I know already what the next step is. It's a shame that I let them put me through all of that just to turn around and have to leave. But it's what must be done.
I'm taking this as a sign that maybe God wants me to learn something new. This design thing may just not be for me. I'm skating along, perhaps. So he wants me to stretch out my potential and stop putzing around at something I do, and do half assed because it rakes in the money. He will show me the way.
I gave my own heart a scare about my baby's fidelity. He just disappeared all day and I didn't know where he went. Or maybe I convinced myself that he didn't' tell me. Either way, while talking to a step sister of mine who recently discovered her man was cheating, she stated "Any man can cheat. It doesn't' matter how much time you actually spend together. If he wants to, he can find a way." And I found that to be very interesting. Because my baby and I don't really spend all that much time together. And the whole hearted trust that he's really handling business for the brother hood is the only thing that keeps me sane. But I fumbled a little today and thought... well... what if he really has someone(s) else on the sidelines? I swear, I would just never date again. My whole dating career... 2 men never cheated on me. Shawn and my baby. I've dated about 10 or 12 guys seriously. And I don't do the little dating stints. Since I was 14, I've been in a serious relationship. (ceptin for 2 years where I was just W I L D I N OUT). But all of them, save for those two, ended because of indiscretion on the part of my partner. So I was always out doing my thing knowing they were steppin out on me. But... this is the first time in a long time that I've trusted enough not to look elsewhere or wander far. If it doesn't work, i really don't see the need in trying again elsewhere.
I guess I should get some sleep. I slept all day, but I could sleep all night.
