There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Well, today I spent the day laboring over my chapter's directory. For a solid 12 hours. I wonder if I'm getting slow... or if I just don't focus enough. These questions and more...
So my baby gets back today. And lays out on my bed and falls asleep. For 3 hours. Which is fine. Cause I was working the directory anyways. I didn't have time to really focus on him. I think he felt it. I wasn't all over him or touching on him or trying to play with him at all. I was like "yeah, hi." Unfortunately... it's genuinely how I felt. Just apathetic. Unaffected. I'm feeling that way about everyone and everything. There is a shortage of people that I can call up on whim and discuss all the things that interest me. I would desperately like to discuss Jamiroquai's music with someone. But ... no real fans. Just folks who've heard Travelling with out Moving. *shrugs* I had a dream with Cassine in it the other day. He was definitley an artistic outlet for me. I learned most of what I know of real music (contemporary) from him in the short couple of months that he and I talked. But... he had to be such an asshole on the other side of it. Sadly, genius is always balanced out with some kind of pathology. He was just chronic with his asshole-ness.
I was reading an article in O magazine on the train into the city on Saturday and it had so much thought about Empty time. Time where we purposefully do nothing... and that's supposed to generate positive energy in us. I've been giving that a lot of thought. Because I lock myself indoors with so much stuff to do... just so I won't think about how sad I am. And perpetually lonely. No matter how many people I surround myself with, how loud I make the music, how busy I pack my schedule. There's this unending emptiness. Always.
And just like that, I ignore it. Throw on JayZ's La La La... and I'm back to bouncing around my cluttered room pretending that I'm invincible.
Look but don't touch, mutha fucka think twice...
Cause the gat that I tote got a little red light...
need a light?
Sugie's back!!! I'm so glad that she's back. She had a great time! She went paragliding. I'm jealous. I'll do great things one day. I'm sure of it. Things my grand children will gasp in amazement at.
There's a daydream.
Speaking of lyrics to songs... I listened to these lyrics today... and for the first time... I totally agreed with everything. Well... almost. I'm moving to texas.
A friend of mine she cries at night, and she
Calls me on the phone Sees babies everywhere she goes and she
Wants one of her own. She's waited long enough she says
And still she can't decide Pretty soon she'll have to choose and it tears her up inside...
She's scared...scared she'll run out of time.
Verse II
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I see my folks, they're getting old, I watch their bodies change...
I know they see the same in me, And it makes us both feel strange...
No matter how you tell yourself, It's what we all go through...
Those eyes are pretty hard to take when they're staring' back at you.
Scared you'll run out of time.
Chorus
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When did the choices get so hard? With so much more at stake.
Life gets mighty precious when there's less of it to waste.
Hummmm...Scared she'll run out of time.
Verse III
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Just when I thought I'd had enough All my tears were shed...
No promise left unbroken, There were no painful words unsaid.
You came along and showed me How to leave it all behind....
You opened up my heart again and then much to my surprise.
I found love, Love in the Nick of Time. 3x
Okay... I'm done being psychotic to nothing and no one again.
