There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I've been inexplicably bored lately. And the boredom has been translated into randiness, for lack of a better term that has made me so edgy and frustrated I'm amazed I haven't gone to jail yet. Things come out of my mouth that formed themselves of thoughts that never trespassed on my brain. They were forged in some... deep, basal, guttural, reactionary source that rarely speaks for me. It's been making me a little nervous. So the question that I ask myself around now is... is it me or my baby that has the abnormal libido? Is mine just so over the top for a woman that he's having trouble really understanding what's happening to me when I'm denied this long. Or is his just so low that the standard woman would have trouble? God forbid it was both. That he and I are at either side of the spectrum. It puzzles me how we'll bridge the gap. I'm not trying to prove anything to anyone anymore... once upon a time I was. I wanted to show the world that this relationship really could work; despite what folks were saying about us being so different. But... I really don't believe in Soulmates anymore. The idea that the perfect person ideally designed for you will waltz into your life one day and not an ounce of work will need to be done in order for you both to stay together. We have to work at it. We have to find the middle ground for the things we don't agree on. And it's a constant middle ground finding. So... then I ask myself... IS there a middle ground for this problem without one of us being horribly unhappy? Either I accept less = me unhappy. Or he puts out more = him unhappy = me unhappy. It's not something I want to CONVINCE him to do either. Everyone always says, "Why don't you slip him a mickey" or... "get him some viagara." The mere thought that I'd have to DRUG the man that I love into wanting me brings tears to my eyes. If he doesn't NATURALLY just want me the way I do naturally want him... why do I want him to want me under the influence of someone? It's like that old paradigm of wishing someone to love you. They don't really. They only do cause you wished it.
All of this to say, I know it's spring. Because I was holding on just fine through the winter. But spring is here (although, today is awfully brisk). And my body is fully aware. But I've chosen a different path in life. That path is not to stray, which would have easily alleviated this situation. Get hit off somewhere else, come back a happy, satisfied girlfriend. But... I'm looking for all my fulfillment in him. Is that a mistake too? I guess I have to find other things to satiate me... more gym time... Maybe take a boxing class or two. There's a lot of aggression released in that. I must find solutions. I'll end up killing someone on the train. The fuse is short now.
The Managers come back tomorrow.... I'm not too excited about it. It's been pretty relaxing without them. But of course... as the cat was away, this mouse was LOUNGIN'... and as a result, was at work till 9 something tonight when I discovered that they'd be back in the morning. DARNIT. Oh well. I'll be skiing this weekend... that may be the solution to many of my problems.
