There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I'm running from stuff.
I had a meeting today with a Soror... but it's all the way out in queens - so I called and cancelled.
I should have been in the gym today... but I'm sitting here at work.
Although I feel quite good about life right now. I had a good convo with Sug today which topped off my day because I was a little scared that she didn't want to talk anymore. Life without Wiz is difficult for her. And I feel for her. But I can only be there in as much as she lets me. 2 friends have lost grandmothers over the weekend... and I really know where they're coming from. I've so been there. And even though we're all different people... we grieve similarly. All the things they were saying are the same things I've said to myself in the same position. The only positive thing that came out of those experiences is that I now know how to deal with folks who've been through the mire. Cause I was there. And if you can't say "Joke... the person's not actually dead... they're right here with me," then there's nothing you can say to comfort me, really.
On a lighter note... We're going SKIING!! I love this job sometimes. It's just good for my pocket. CD is sending me and my baby to the slopes in March all exp. paid. Being that we both don't know how to ski it'll be fun! I guess I'll start researching. But I hear it's gonna be great. This is my year to get some things out of my system that I've never done. Jenny went Skydiving in Florida. I was jealous. I want to do that too. And Parasailing. This is my year. I'm excited about all the things that I'm gonna get done this year.
I've been giddy looking for the house lately. I've been seeing some of these houses and I get so excited! Sometimes when I see something in the apt that makes me sad ... clutter, closed-spaced, bad lighting.... I think to myself... this time next year... I'll be in my own house and it will free me. I can't wait. God... I have to PRAY... it's gonna be such hard work.
I'm not the only one who is getting ready to bid adieu to Sex & the City. There is a widespread preparation of women that I know to say good bye to their "friends". It's going to be so different when it's over. I really will have no reason to watch TV anymore... Except to catch my Jon Stewart on the Daily Show. He's so funny. I love smart men. Some things in life just make sense.
Okay... i'm gonna finish my work and head home. I'm sure I have plenty waiting for me there
