There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I'm doing it bad too. Whatever I can latch on to and get emotional about, I'm doing it today. I'm just exhausted from the exercise of doing it all. it's 1:09 AM and I got a lot of work done. The SOH site is really stressing me out. Whenever I lose touch for 2 days I get a panicked email like the whole fate of everything rides on what I'm doing. And I feel like saying "Damnit... NO ONE IS VISITING YOUR SITE!!" Sheesh. But that's my laziness talking.
Wasn't so bad without my sugar today. He was away, I was working. It worked out. I'm listening to Floetry right now. There are some albums that will always mark off periods for me in life. Mary J. Blige's "My Life" album will always remind me of New Years eve 1994 when my LSs and I just crossed and we were following my Dean around EVERYWHERE she went to just celebrate and be neos. It was playing in her friends house while he was getting ready. PHAT pad too... india.arie's Acoustic Soul always reminds me of me coming to the end of my wilding out circa 2000 and preparing to settle in and stop being so crazy. Mystikal's Shake Ya Ass reminds of the times RIGHT BEFORE THEN. Woo.... fast livin', no regrets. I like to recall it fondly as not letting myself get hurt. My brother paints the picture of me being an alcoholic, neurotic, self destructive maniac. But I did have fun. And I don't remember being that way. And they're my memories. I love how music can paint flavors and scents all over the memories for me. The combination of the two are like my own little time machine and I can relive it again if I wanted to. Almost like dreams but I have more control...
