There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Well, that was it. My last vacation day before the new fiscal year. No more 4 day weeks. It was fun and most of all relaxing. Wish it could go on forever. I could do 4 day weeks. But it's only a matter of time before I start to request 3 day and 2 days. Eternelle Insatisfait.
Anyways, although I stayed home the majority of the day and agonized over work to be done I did have some high points. My baby came by this morning before leaving for Denver. We loved. Then he left. I really feel his absence. I guess he doesn't have a comp over there and so he is removed from me. Usually I can just look up and see him signed on and I know he's either playing on his computer, talking to other folks on IM, watching wrestling or playing with his PS2... but I know that he's there. He's so far out of reach right now. It's nerve wracking. And I'm going to worry myself into a coma before he gets back here. That flight is HELLA long. *sigh* But I can conquer fear with prayer... and that's all I need. He'll be fine. But I do so miss him.
I talked with AP today. I'm so glad to have done that. It's been a minute and we just talked like regular. I thought it might be uncomfortable for him to carry on a reg. convo considering the passing of his nana... but we had a pretty okay convo. I hope he didn't do it for me and just allowed himself to be free. I know when granny died... I didn't really want to talk to folks. I didn't know what to say. How do you express (or not) so much hurt? How can you go back to regular living? Too bad I know the answer now. It would have eased the search then. You don't.
He blogged today! I'm really excited about that. I really enjoy reading other people's blogs. It broadens my horizons about them. Especially if I knew them in another capacity. I stumbled on another co-worker's blog over the weekend. I kid you not I was on it for 2 hours. How much I learned about him was indescribable. How much respect I gained for him is unreal. I just want to get past the idea the I was "peeking" into his life. There are boundaries that one shouldn't cross... and I felt like I did. But I'm glad that I did. I don't think I'll ever be mindless to him again. Because I tend to do that to distance myself from folks.
I gotta stop pestering people to blog. I want them to do it out of love of expression. So Max... if you're reading this... I hope you're learning to LOVE it... and not doing it just to shut me up.
I've been kicking around the idea of creating a blog to log my abuse. I'm afraid to do it... but I think I need to. It's been coming back to the forefront of my thoughts lately... quietly but steadily. One horrifying realization that I came to back then as a little girl is that I wasn't alone. Worse than that as a college student - that for a black girl in america, being molested by someone you love or revered was a NORM. But I felt so very alone through it all. And maybe logging it all can help to alleviate the loneliness that lingers still. And help me understand why I do the things I do to this day.
I've caught up on mostly all the work that I've been ignoring lately. It's freeing. But of course, one task remains undone, no matter how much time and effort I dedicate to it. AKA. It's just sitting there staring me in the face with hands on hips and foot'a'tappin. I'll get to it tomorrow.
