There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I've been writing everyday, but not emptying out my head. Stuff just rolls around in there that I've been thinking of. So I guess I can put some things down while I'm here at work, so they can stop buggin' out in my head.
I'm pissed about Haiti. Moreso because I don't understand why we as a people have to be the dysfunctional child of the Western Hemisphere. You can time a coup in Haiti by about every 20 years, give or take 5 or 10. We're never satisfied... never happy and always in turmoil. I'm especially pissed about it because all the unrest is stopping so many of us from going home to see for ourselves. US is pulling all citizens or Americans at all out of there. UN is talking about doin something to help control.... but... what's the story? I have to read up on the history of it... but I guarantee it's on some old bullshit. Aristide says today "He'll die before he's ousted." Our people are known for making that a reality. He needs to watch it.
I'm resisting growth. Life moves on and people change and in the forefront of my mind, I'm okay with that. But there are anchors in my heart that force me to revisit stupid instances ... and reminisce about the what-ifs of life. Missed opportunities and how the decision between a yes and a no in your mind could change the path of life. I was talking to an old friend about what would have happened if he and I gave in to what we were thinking about back then. And although he's a GREAT friend now... I do wonder how life would have been different. But... I hate that my thoughts run over and over and over and over it and just can't let it go. And I mourn the opportunities that I could have had... instead of being, not just contented... but feeling... blessed to have ended up on the path that I'm on now. Life has turned out especially well. God has guided me carefully. And I'm grateful. He helped me to avoid very horrible pitfalls. And although at the time it seemed so much more painful to be directed away... looking back... I'm like "Damn... that would have been a bad one. Good Lookin, God!!!"
I'm just emotional today... but i'm feeling better as I'm dumping my feelings out on paper (web). My baby is going away this weekend and then will be away for the week when he does come back for like... Sunday. And I'm feeling the emptiness from here. And it's only an emptiness I've felt since I got back to being the kind of girlfriend I was back in HS. Everfaithful... steadied by his hand and totally focused only on him. But that's been a struggle too. It's more "fun" and much less time is spent in boredom when you're doing the wrong thing. It's also easier to be bad than to be good and responsible.
Getting old sucks sometimes. And sometimes I love it. I heard a commercial about AIDS the other day. And the announcer was like... "Some of you will grow to be old and have arthritis and aches and pains and barely be able to get out of bed and have problems walking around and keeping track of your medicines. And you'll see the doctor more than you care to and you'll have to get used to your aging body. etc etc." And he closes by saying "I'm insanely jealous." And I felt him on that. We don't appreciate / cherish the moments we do have. We're so busy living for yesterday (read: see 2 paragraphs up) or racing into the future... that we don't try to make every moment count and before we know it... we're old. Then we're racing to make the last moments count. But we can't race all that fast anymore. I remember my grandma saying that God makes old people slow down so they can smell the roses they ran past in their youth.
