There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I have been observing people more lately. I think I am looking for similarities... or familiarity with them and myself. Today we had a wine tasting event for the company. And I was supposed to go there to work. I should have been there for 5:00... but there was no way I was going to make it out there in time AND finish all the work on my desk. So I got there for 5:30... only after trekking in the subways with at least $3000 (not to mention 60 lbs) of technology strapped to my person in the slippery slush of NY's recent "winter storm" (streets were cleaner after the storm than they were before). So I get there and there are no seats at the main reg. table for me with everyone else. So they set me on the corner of a table they're using for junk / eaten food / employee coats. So I set up the lap top on the corner and I wait for problems to come my way. My job is to check folks that have been checked against the paper lists and see if they're actually in the database. We had a few troubles but nothing major.
Eventually I was to go in and take pictures and video of the event. Which I did. But while I was in there like...3 head honchos that were in there (and lit by the time... a little too much tasting) were in there and fawning over me. Hugging and touching me. These men had never even really shaken my hand before. But now they want to kiss me on the cheek and put their arms around me and... whatever. It's strange what some fermented grapes can do. Spewing... "We're so proud of Victoria... she's the best interactive person ever..." etc etc etc. Victoria doesn't feel like it.
I'm constantly wigging out and looking over my shoulder. It's uncomfortable. But I chatted more with the new boss. She seems alright... but who can say. One of my co's was talking to me about her and how she's really wanting so much of an already stressed out team.
I had to drag myself out of bed this morning. I got to bed at like 1:00 after having been at the office till 10:00. More and more the corporate world morphs to me. One minute... I'm in this... super corporate-don't tell your business to anyone-suit wearing-be on time leave on time atmosphere. Then it's Fashion-diva-everyday-show-up-at noon- work-till 1AM-suck dick to get to the top-if you don't you stay under thumb. Couldn't stay there long so I moved to this jeans and tee shirt wearing... we really only care how on time you are and you can putz around the rest of the time environment that has morphed into more suits wearing... and we also care how late you stay... and how much ass you kiss... and how much extra stupid work you do.
I told my part-timer, if she knows what is good for her... she'll establish her business TODAY and stop shuckin' and jivin and answer to NO ONE.
