There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I'm sitting here listening to Common and Lauryn Hill's duet "Retrospect for Life". So many feelings rush forward for me when I think about what they're saying. On one hand I'm so glad that my parents decided to have me. As much as I bitch about life and complain and worry and am afraid... I'm so blessed to be here to experience all of these feelings. I pray it will enrich my spirit and make me a better entity the next time around. On the other hand, I mourn a little for my lost soul that passed through my body without a chance of living. I think about him often. He would have been 6 years old in March... And I vividly remember all the feelings. How twisted my life was then. How many hands were in the making of my life and how I felt totally out of control. How I tried to ask questions and NO ONE was answering me. I hate the memory of sitting in the recovery room with 6 women that I'll never see again but I was the only one who was there against her will... "... the baby's blood count is going backwards.... It's not surviving in your womb. You can get it taken out or it will come out naturally... we suggest that you get it taken care of." Hostile womb.
How different my life would be. I wouldn't even be with my sweetie. I would have never ran into Cary and messed up my head the first time around... I would have probably not gotten into a chapter... or been a web designer now... So many things derailed... But I would have been a mother. How amazing and different. I did tell Isis the other day... I only do all the things I do now to take up the time I would be spending as a mother. Once I have a child... I'll disappear and be completely dedicated to it. Maybe I'll have a chance.
I can feel bad for myself or hope that maybe one day I'll actually have a baby that will survive. She'll have to be awefully strong. Time will have to reveal.
