There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
My first post of the year on the 4th day of the year. So much has happened in so little time but nothing has changed drastically. I feel like, this year is really going to be different for me. So many steps will be taken and goals achieved. I need to make a list, because it's going to be so much stuff.
New Year's Eve was wonderful. We danced the night away and made love and enjoyed each other's company genuinely. I feel really strongly about our year this year. We drove down to DC New Year's Eve and drove back up New Year's day. My sweetie actually DANCED!!! I was so shocked about it! He said his new year's resolution was to "lighten up". I hope that I can make it easy for him to do that. I can be such a hard ass sometimes. It was a really good night.
Coming back here was uneventful, and I was grateful. I have just been so tired lately. It lends to a lot of vivid dreams. I dreamt that I saw Shawn in my dream last night. I was so happy to see him. I really miss him and worry about him so often. But my brother said not to contact him. In my brother's opinion, he was in love with me all the way up to last year... when he did make an advance... and up to that point I'd never rebuffed him. But this time I did. And I think it jarred him. I haven't heard from him since. My brother told me he is now just finally getting a chance to purge me from his system. I pray that he's alive and well. Him and Chris. I drive by where Chris' parents used to live when we dated on the way back from chapter meeting all the time. They are now the 2 ex's that I no longer have ties to... and it doesn't sit right with me. They have a special part of me that I was hoping to stay in touch with. But I guess I'll have to learn to let that go. I am going to try contacting Shawn sometime in the summer. That would have been a solid 2 years since we've spoken. I think that's fair. I hurt for what I did to him. He sure didn't deserve to be treated that way. But I did truly love him.
I met a new client the other day. He looks just like Cary. It's crazy. I had to keep writing in my book and focus so that I didn't stare. Especially with him being married, taller and a tad bit more polished than he. But I was able to maintain focus. I hope to maintain it.
I sliced up my hand on my razor the other day. The scar is gonna be huge. It hurts.
This week will be interesting. First full week back since the glory of the holidays. I'm so sad that they're gone now. I hope I catch a first wind for the new year. I have miles to go before I sleep.
