There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
It's been a while again since I've been able to post. I used to be able to have the wherewithall to actually compose a thought. Now i have to recall 2 weeks worth of stuff to catch myself up on. *sigh*. Well, this was the first year (and hopefully the last) in my house with no decorations, no christmas tree, no nothing. I think part of it was because I just needed to see if I didn't get myself going to rile up the troops... would ANYONE ELSE do it? And, as I expected... not a soul. It seems to be that way with so many things in my life.... So long as I'm in there manually pumping the heart of the project, things move smooth. Once I step away, it just dies. I've been sick too... I think it's the stress and the long hours... but my body is not really allowing for me to feel the christmas spirit. I feel stuffy and sore throaty and thankful for the extra days off so I can try to recuperate.
Sweetheart
He made it official today. My sweetie made me his sweetheart. First time in life that I ever received anything real jewelry wise from anyone that had nothing to do with a proposal. And it's beautiful. A gold heart pendant with brilliant diamonds in the core of it and framing it. It's too precious to wear all the time. He said he wanted something more than just a sweetheart pin. So he gave me his heart on a string. It's beautiful. And I really love it. I keep staring at it... I'm so unused to stuff like that. It's so girlie. I'm gadgety and practical. But it makes me stretch beyond my boxed up boundaries and allows me to feel feminine. I think my baby grew an inch taller today, to me.
Dreams
I've been having the most bizzare and vivid dreams as of late. I'm sure it's the overwhelming presence of all the drugs in my system. But this one dream I had was most vivid. I was in a neighborhood that usually comes up in my dreams. I'm convinced it's in Haiti... I've never seen anything like it in america... big beautiful houses... on a lot of dirt and dust. No real pavement. And I was living there and commuting to some performance hall where I was practicing to be in a show of some kind... Something like Chicago or maybe Cabaret. Odd thing for this dream, I was actually the size I am today. I usually dream and I'm my 18 year old self's size. *dare to dream* One of the performers was teaching us the next dance set and was in costume... it was this one piece strapless bodysuit number... that once I saw, I left the stage thinking to myself "I'll get out now before I embarrass myself on stage". I went walking down the dirt streets when I stopped by a shaman's (shawoman, really) house. I don't know what she was using but she was telling my fortune. She read me some numbers that I should play... 3313 and 428... and then for the rest of her fortune telling.... the streets started to flood with sand. Sand was just rolling down the hill and amassing in between people's houses, etc... It was actually disturbing. And then I woke up.
Today I dreamt little fragmented dreams... One where I was in this Hotel... where the bottom floor was so small you had to go through a crawl space (literally on your stomach) to get through the halls. But that was all the way on the bottommost floor. My room was on the 2nd floor and it was a wonderful luxurious room full of cherrywood furniture and billowing curtains over gaping windows. It was a much "brighter" dream... more imagery. There was an INTENSE sex scene. I want to say it was my sweetie... but very different. Definitely wasn't acting like him. This man wasn't really loving me. But it lent to the intensity of the dream. So much so that I kept trying to go back to sleep to extend the dream... but to no avail. I was someone important that folks kept coming to visit. There were lots of flowers and I wore a lot of flowing gowns. I guess it's the starlet in me dreaming up a storm.
Movies
I watched Adaptation tonight. Wow. There was a mind fuck. I was really vibing with it for a long time... then suddenly... it went left on me and turned into a semi thriller sort of suspense thing. Too many images for me to have in my head right before I go to sleep. But I'm going to see Lord of the Rings with my baby tomorrow. We picked a day where we didn't have much else to do... it's 3 1/2 hours long. I hear it's worth the time unlike a certain part III existential movie about gnosticistic life paradigms and detaching yourself from feigned realities... that will remain nameless.
I did learn something new today watching Adaptation:
Ouroboros: The serpent biting its tail is found in other mythoi as well, including Norse myth, where the serpent's name is Jörmungandr, and in Hindu, where the dragon circles the tortoise which supports the four elephants that carry the world. Foremost is the symbolism of the serpent biting, devouring, eating its own tail. This symbolises the cyclic Nature of the Universe: creation out of destruction, Life out of Death. The ouroboros eats its own tail to sustain its life, in an eternal cycle of renewal.
